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GM3YEW > HUMOUR   16.09.21 05:57z 357 Lines 12469 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
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Subj: jokes 16/9
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Sent: 210916/0552Z 26038@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18

As Grandmother used to say

  Bloom where you are planted

----------

CHOICES.......................
While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
 
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the  entrance.
 
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.. 'Before you settle in,  it seems there is a problem. We
 seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
 
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
 
'Well, I'd like to, but I  have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one
day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
 
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,'  says the MP.
 
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
 
And with  that, St. Peter  escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down  to hell.
 The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green  golf course. In the distance is a
clubhouse and standing in front of it  are all his friends and other politicians who had worked
with  him.
 
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce
 about the good times they had  while getting rich at the expense of the people.
 
They play a  friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and  champagne.
 
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing
and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
 
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
 
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
 
'Now it's time  to visit heaven.'
 
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group  of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud,
playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have
 gone by  and St. Peter returns.
 
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and  another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
 
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it  before, I mean
 heaven has been delightful, but  I think I would be better off  in hell.'
 
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,  down, down to hell.
 
Now the doors of  the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with 
waste and garbage.
 
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more
trash falls from above.
 
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his  shoulder. 'I don't understand,'
stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we
 ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.. Now there's just
 a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
 

What happened?'
 
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning... ...
 

Today you voted.'
 

---


Palm Reading ;-


You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.

--

These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares'
game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!



Q.What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

---------

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money
for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a
'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby
well-to -do neighbourhood. She went to the front door
of the first house, and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do.


'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my
porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'


Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'


The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and
everything she would need was in the garage. The man's
wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does
she realise that our porch goes ALL the way
around the house?'


He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'


The wife replied, ' You're right. I guess I'm starting
to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting
by e-mail lately.'


Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.


'You're finished already?' the startled Husband asked.


'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so
I gave it two coats.'


Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00
and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.


'And by the way, ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's
a Lexus.'



---------


Recently I was at my doctorâ€Ös office.
He asked about how much physical activity I was getting.
I described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through
some pretty rough country terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through
brambles.
I got sand in my shoes, eyes and hair.
I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few leaks behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank eight beers.
Inspired by the story, the doctor said,
"You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a really bad golfer".

--------

Putin was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his
telephone rang.

  'Hallo, Mr. Putin!', a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy
down at the Harp Pub
in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are
officially declaring war
on you!'

  'Well, Paddy,' Putin replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big
is your army?'

'Right now,' said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself,
my cousin Sean,
my next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub.
That makes eight!'

Putin paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my
army waiting to
move on my command.'

'Begorra!', said Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back!'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. 'Mr. Putin, the War is
still on! We have
managed to acquire some infantry Equipment!'

  'And what equipment would that be, Paddy?' Putin asked.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Putin sighed. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks And
14,000 armoured
personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my Army to 1-1/2 million since
we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' said Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. 'Mr. Putin, the war is still
on! We have
managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light
with a couple
of shotguns in the Cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have
joined us as well!'

Putin was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell
you, Paddy, that
I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is
surrounded by
laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke,
I've increased my army
to TWO MILLION!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!', said Paddy, 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. 'Top o' the Mornin,
Mr.Putin! I am sorry
to tell you that we have had to call off the war.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' said Putin. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

  'Well,' said Paddy, 'we've all had a long chat over a bunch of
Pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners.'



----------------

Todays laugh .... Cheer up things could be worse, so he cheered up and
sure enough
things got worse ..

-------------

    If only life were like a computer...

If you messed up your life, you could press Ctrl Z to undo a mistake.
When life seems frozen, just hit "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and reboot.
To get your daily exercise, just click on "Start/Run"!
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To add/remove someone in your life, click Settings and Control Panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you loose your car keys, click on "Find".
Need "Help" with the chores? Just click F1.
Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use a disk to recover
from a crash.
   -------------------

What an interesting concept!

Here's how to fight back! Tips for Handling Telemarketers Three Little Words
That Work !

(1)The three little words are: "Hold On please..." Saying this, while
Putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately)
Would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler
Room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you
Know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently
Completed its task. These three little words will help eliminate telephone
Soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and
Records the time of day when a person answers the phone. This technique is
Used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call
Back and get someone at home. What you can do after answering, if you notice
There is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the
Phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible This confuses the machine that
Dialled the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a
Shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!

(3) Junk Mail Help: When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility
Bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw
Their own junk mail away. When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the
Mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type
Junk, do not throw away the return envelope. Most of these come with
Postage-paid return envelopes, right?  It costs them more than the regular
24p postage "IF" and when they receive them back. It costs them nothing if
You throw them away! The postage was around 29p before the last increase and
It is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your
Other junk mail and put it in their postage-paid return envelopes. For
Example; send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express.
Send a pizza coupon to Citibank.

If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank
Application back! If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name
Isn't on anything you send them. You can even send the envelope back empty
If you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 24p. The
Banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own
Junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them
Know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying
For it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is
Cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase
Postage costs again. You get the idea ?

If enough people follow these tips, it may work !

-------------
Slightly sexual -
















  A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic
  Garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there's a rip
In one of the bags and every once in a while a $20 note falls out onto
The pavement

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. ' Ma'am, there are $20 bills
Falling out of your bag.

'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. ' I'd better go back and
See if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. ' How did you get all that
Money? You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no,' says the little old lady. ' You see, my back yard is right
Next to the parking lot of the football stadium.

Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes
  Right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a
  Big hedge clipper and each time someone sticks his little thingy through
  The bushes, I say, ' $20 or off it comes.'

'Well that seems fair,' laughs the cop. ' Okay, good luck! '

'By the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, ' says the little old lady, ' not everybody pays'.

--

Best Wishes
Dave.


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