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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 26.03.19 09:28z 222 Lines 7386 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 30308_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 26/3
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<IK1NHL<CX2SA<ZS0MEE<GB7YEW
Sent: 190326/0921Z 30308@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Birds flying low, Expect rain and a blow
-------
Puns for those with a higher IQ
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
--------
Can I have some Irish Sausages please?" asked the Irishman walking
Up to the counter. The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you
Irish?" "If I had asked you for Italian sausage would you ask me if I
Was Italian"? Demanded the Irishman indignantly. "Or if I asked for
German Bratwurst would you ask me if I was German?" then warming to
His theme he went on: "Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog would
You ask me if I was Jewish? "Or if I asked you for a taco would you
Ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya? Would Ya?" The assistant said:
"Well no". Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic the
Irishman steps it up a gear. "And if I asked you for frogs legs would
You ask me if I was French"? "What about Danish Bacon would you ask
Me if I was Danish?" "well probably wouldn't" conceded the
Assistant. So now bursting with righteous indignation the Irishman
Says"Well all right then why did you ask me if I'm Irish just
Because I asked for Irish sausages?" The assistant replied: "Because
You're in Homebase!"
Juggler Jokes
-------------
Q: How do you kill a circus?
A: Go for the juggler!
Juggler: "I think someone's out to get me"
Friend: "What makes you think that?"
Juggler: "Yesterday I received a package containing three hand grenades!"
Juggler walks into a bar with an alligator under his arm. Says to the
Barman 'do you serve clowns here'"sure" replies the barman. 'great' says
The juggler 'I'll have a beer for myself and a clown for my alligator.
Q: how many jugglers does it take change a light bulb?
A: Ten. One to change it eight to say "I can do that" and the tenth to
Say "That's my trick!"
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one but they do it over and over and over again.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one but they insist on showing each variation of possible changes.
Q: What's the difference between a juggler and a large pizza?
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.
-----
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the
door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children
running around at her feet.
"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said" Yes. My husband and I use it all the time!"
"If you don't mind my asking" he said" what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex" she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say
they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But in fact
I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty.
Since you have been so frank so far can you tell me exactly HOW you use
it for sex?"
The woman said: "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it
on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."
Bikers
------
We were driving down the freeway last weekend when a group of motorcyclists
On Harley Davidson's passed us. Noticing the high handle bars on these
Bikes I asked my husband about them.
"Oh those? They like those because they're used to having their hands in
The air."
Play
----
The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than
he did the library so when my husband's co-worker saw the gridiron star
roaming the stacks looking confused she asked how she could help.
"I have to read a play by Shakespeare" he said.
"Which one?" she asked.
He scanned the shelves and answered "William."
Life (And So On) Summed Up
--------------------------
For every complex problem there is a simple solution. And it's always
Wrong. (H.L. Mencken)
Pigs CAN fly if given enough thrust. But it's not recommended.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's
Troublesome. (Isaac Asimov)
If the wheel had never been reinvented we'd still be driving on logs.
You have given your life to be the person you are right now. Was it worth
It? (Richard Bach)
When your work speaks for itself don't interrupt. (Henry J. Kaiser)
If you're going to run around making sense we're going to have to ask you
To leave.
If we had ham we could have ham and eggs if we had eggs.
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes. (Henry David Thoreau)
No matter where you got, here you are. (Buckaroo Banzai)
There are never any endings only beginnings in disguise. (Mark Raymond)
Quotes For The Week
-------------------
Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There
will always be challenges obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So
what? Get started now. With each step you take you will grow stronger and
Stronger more and more skilled more and more self-confident and more and
more successful.
--Mark Victor Hansen
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
--Eleanor Roosevelt
You may have a fresh start any moment you choose for this thing we call
"failure' is not the falling downbut the staying down.
--Mary Pickford
Opportunity...often it comes disguised in the form of misfortune or
temporary defeat.
--Napoleon Hill
We should consider every day lost in which we have not danced at least once.
--Friedrich Nietsche
The highest reward for a man's toil is not what he gets for it but what he
becomes by it.
--John Ruskin
If you treat men the way they are you never improve them. If you treat
them the way you want them to be you do.
--Goethe
We are often so caught up in our destination that we forget to appreciate
the journey especially the goodness of the people we meet along the way.
Appreciation is a wonderful feeling don't overlook it.
-Author Unknown
Never forget that only dead fish swim with the stream.
-- Malcolm Muggeridge.
There are two lasting bequests we can give our children:
One is roots. The other is wings.
--Hodding CarterJr.
Jar 47
------
A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody.
Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr.
Thompson the town skeptic.
Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that
he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the
doctor "Hey doc I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin 'so
what are ya goin' to do?"
The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little then told
Mr. Thompson"What you need is jar number 47."
So the doctor brought the jar out opened itand told Mr. Thompson to
taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out "This is gross!" he
yelled. "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson" said
the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.
One month later Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once
again to expose him as a fake by complaining of a new problem. "Doc" he
started"I can't remember anything!" Thinking he had the doctor stumped
Now he waited as the doctor scratched his head mumbled to himself a
Little and told Mr. Thompson "What you need is jar number 47 it's......"
But before the doctor could finish his sentence Mr. Thompson was cured and
fled the room!
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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