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GM3YEW > HUMOUR   25.03.19 08:44z 186 Lines 5554 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 30272_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 25/3
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0GOS<ON0AR<VE2PKT<ZL2BAU<N9PMO<
      GB7YEW
Sent: 190325/0840Z 30272@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18



  As Grandmother used to say 
 
 Red sky at night shepherds delight,red sky in the morning,shepherds warning
 
Plants
------
The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word "dog" in
Front of them: dogrose, dogwood, dog violet. She asked the class if they
Could name another flower with the prefix "dog."
 
Steven raised his hand and said, "Sure, Miss Jones, a 'collie' flower!"
 
--------
 Be careful when you text.
 
 
 
Hi Bob
 
This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession
to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months
and have been trying to
pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now
telling in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without
you knowing. 
The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when
you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly
in the mornings after you've left
for work. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no
excuse I know. The temptation was just too much....
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my
sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen
 again.  
Regards, Alan.
 
 
Feeling anguished and betrayed Bob immediately went into his bedroom,
grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice, killing her
instantly. He
returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down
on the sofa. He took out his phone to respond to the neighbour's text and
saw he
had another message:- 
 
 
Hi Bob
This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I
expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed, my predictive
text changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’.  Technology hey?!?  Hope you saw the
funny side of that. 
Regards, Alan.
 

-----
 
Boss
----
You may think your boss is stupid, but remember, if he was smart you
probably wouldn't have a job.
 
 
 
Salesman
--------
"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and
Its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both.
 
"The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a
slaughterhouse a block north."
 
"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.
 
"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."
 
-------
 
In evidence the court heard that the defendant was being pursued by various
creditors who were seeking settlement of accounts for goods provided and
services rendered. Explaining how he ran up thousands of pounds in debt
he explained that he had been induced by high pressure salesmanship to take
out several plastic cards, and had sought to balance one account against
another in an effort to keep the wolf from the door. It all was, as his solicitor
said, all too easy for him to access cash through ATMs, or hole-in-the-wall
machine. He did not have the strength of character to resist the ready
availability. "The weak" said the presiding Judge, "must go to the wall".
 
 
 
                               *************************
 

Members of the cast of the panto "Snow White and the Seven
Dwarfs" in Kent say that due to considerations of political
correctness all mentions of "dwarfs" is out, and that the aforesaid
dwarfs are now to be referred to as "gnomes" or "guardians of
the Forest".
 
This is in case the production offends people with restricted growth".
 

                               *************************
 

And the headline in a Kent newspaper asks: "Bird Flu: can we catch it early?"
 

                               *************************
 

Twenty out of 40 members of a Cuban choir have defected
during a tour of Canada. In the old days the definition of a
Russian string quartet was: "A Russian symphony orchestra
after a world tour".
 

                               *************************
 

An English magazine has been criticised for offering a prize
of a "boob job".
 
I dunno. Jobs are hard enough to come by these days.
 

                               *************************
 

A new Spanish built train suffered damage when it collided with
a cow on the line near Thurles. Iarnrod Eireann should recruit
Spanish train drivers, preferably with experience as bullfighters.

 
-------------
Sexual
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


A Driver walks into a bar with A pet crocodile by his side. 
He puts the crocodile up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons. 
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. 
Then the croc will close his Mouth for one minute.   
'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. 
In return for witnessing this Spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' 
The crowd murmured their approval. 
The man stood up on the bar, Dropped his trousers, And placed his manhood
 and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. 
The croc closed his mouth As the crowd gasped. 
After a minute, The man grabbed a beer Bottle and smacked the
Crocodile hard on the top of Its head 
The croc opened his mouth And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, And the first of his free Drinks were delivered. 
The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.' 
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. 
A Blonde woman timidly spoke up..........
 

'I'll try it - 
Just don't hit me so hard With the beer bottle!'
 

  

 
 73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew

  
  
 


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