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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 24.03.19 07:30z 306 Lines 10540 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 30211_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 24/3
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0GOS<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<N9PMO<
GB7YEW
Sent: 190324/0723Z 30211@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
South or west wind - the weather will be warm
--------
One day it could be us!!!
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that
her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal
and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says.
"She got in the back-seat by mistake."
________________________________________________
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and
pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of
the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see.
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or
down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never
get that forgetful", she raps the table "knock on wood".
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."
___________________________________________
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the
second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in,
"So am I. Let's have a beer."
________________________________________________
a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman,
I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
________________________________________________
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they
came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on
through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I
must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.
" After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and
the light was red again. Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had
been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was
getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red
and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a
row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"
--------
One I heard on Radio One years ago...............Dave Lee Travers asks
a guy on the phone: what's the difference between A La Carte and
Table d'Hote ?
He replies 7 pounds fifty
---------
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?
-----------
THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway.
Anne Robinson : Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant: Bombay.
Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above
lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
Anne Robinson : Wh...?
Contestant (interrupting) : Pass!
Anne Robinson : In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling
entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.
Anne Robinson : The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels
were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?
Contestant: (long pause) Joe?
Anne Robinson : Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins
with G, revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state
funeral?
Contestant: Geronimo!
---------------------
The Tale of the Squirrel and the Grasshopper
REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The
grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering Grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in
the cold.
____________________THE END________________________________________
THE BRITISH VERSION:
(Which could almost could have been written by George Orwell)
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
the grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference
and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm
and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper,are cold and
starving.
The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper,
with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable home with a table
laden with food.
The British press informs people that they should be ashamed that, in a
country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer while
others have plenty.The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and
The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrels
house.
The BBC, interupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with
breaking news , broadcasts a multicultural choir singing "We Shall
Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald
that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers and calls
for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share"
and increases the charge for squirrels to enter London.
In response to pressure from the media the Government drafts the Economic
Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning
of the summer. The squirrels taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and
fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work on his home, with
an additional fine for contempt (for telling the court that grasshoppers do not
want to work). The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid
to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially
mobile.The squirrels food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members
of society - in this case, the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed
retroactive taxes,the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home.
The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home
for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get them to Britian as they
had to share there country of origin with mice.On arrival they tried to blow up
the airport because of Britians apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and
attempted bombing but were subsequently released because the police fed them
pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to
their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death
by mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from other peoples
credit cards.
A Panorama Special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrels
food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in crumbles
around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.He is shown to be taking
drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers drug
`illness`.
The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their unreasonable treatment
since arrival in Britian.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get
money for his drug habit. he is imprisoned but released immediately because he
has been in custody for a few weeks.He is placed in the care of the probation
service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea
pig in a botched robbery. A commission of enquiry, which will eventually cost
£10m to state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug
rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing
asylum seekers is increased.The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government
gor enriching Britians mulicultural diversity, while dogs are criticised by the
governmentfor failing to befriend cats.
The grasshopper dies of an overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it
on the obvious failure of the government to address the root causes of
despair arising from socialinequity and his traumatic experience of prison.
They call for the resignation of the minister.
The cats are paid £1m each because their rights were infringed when the
government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.
The squirrel, the dogs,and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the
burglaries and robberies, all have to pay an additional percentage on their
credit cards to cover the losses; their taxes are increased to pay for law
and order and they are told they will all have to work beyond 65 years
of age because of a shortfall in government funds.
---------
Minor sexual content -
A Scottish Love Poem
(Who said Scottish guy's aren't romantic?)
A' coorse ah love ye darlin'
Ye're a bloody tap notch burd.
An' when ah say ye're gorgeous
Ah mean iv'ry single word.
So yer bum is oan the big side
Ah don't mind a bit o flab.
It means that whin ah'm ready
There's somethin' therr tae grab.
So yer belly isny flat nae merr
Ah tell ye, ah don't cerr.
So long as when ah cuddle ye
I cin get mah erms roon' therr.
Nae wummin wha is your age
Hiz nice roon' perky breasts.
They jist gave in tae gravity
Bit ah know ye did yer best.
Ah'm tellin ye the truth noo
Ah nivir tell ye lies.
Ah think its very sexy
Thit ye've goat dimples oan yer thighs.
Ah swerr oan mah grannies grave noo
The moment thit we met.
Ah thocht ye wiz as guid as
Ah wiz ivir goanie get.
Nae maitter whit ye look like
Ah'll aywiz love ye dear.
Noo shut up while the fitba's oan
An' fetch anither beer
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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