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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 25.01.21 07:15z 328 Lines 10341 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 12916_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 25/1
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<IQ5KG<I0OJJ<EA2RCF<LU9DCE<PY2BIL<AL0Y<GB7YEW
Sent: 210125/0708Z 12916@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When the chairs squeak, it's of rain they speak
------
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as
Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but
not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for
federal anti-smoking campaign
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and
I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas ..
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President
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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 2020 because we
received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply
if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And
the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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Feeling smarter yet?
----
"Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words.
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
------
Puns for those with a higher IQ
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
------------------
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess
what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
____________________________________
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but
I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember
it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared
at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
___________________________________
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25.
Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
_____________________________________
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the
halls in a nursing home.
As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him,
she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_____________________________________
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major
crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes,
they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they
went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the
light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was
getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we
just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said,
"Oh! Am I driving?"
Longevity
---------
A man once counselled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the
Secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his corn flakes every morning.
The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35
Great-grandchildren, and a 5 metre hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Grandpa
-------
Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the
Beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma
Turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started
Dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" Grandpa
Looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.
With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you
Remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and
Suddenly kiss me on the cheek?" Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma
And gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we
Were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed,
Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"
Love
----
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them
To marry. Finally he went to a marriage counsellor.
When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet
And the other made delicious pancakes.
"Oh," said the counsellor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide
Whether to marry for batter or verse."
Worst Things To Say On A First Date
-----------------------------------
I used to have a real bad bed wetting problem ... But the last couple of
Weeks I've got it under control.
I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden ... But could I
Borrow five hundred quid?
Go ahead and Super Size - I found spare change in the sofa today.
Something tells me that you're very special ... But with medication I can
usually ignore it.
I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much ... Thanks to the U.S. Department of
Justice.
Do you want to play doctor? That'll be five hundred quid.
Wait till my wife hears about this!
I had a good time tonight. I'd love to see you again in six to eight months
With good behaviour.
Teacher Applicant
-----------------
After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching
Prospect said: "Let me see if I've got this right".
You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every
Waking moment with a love for learning, and I'm supposed to instil a sense
Of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behaviour, observe them
For signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.
You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check
Their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self
Esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship,
Sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a
Cheque book, and how to apply for a job.
I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognise
Signs of anti-social behaviour, make sure all students pass the state exams,
Even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their
Assignments.
Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an
Equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical
Handicap. I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter,
Telephone, newsletter and report card.
All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books,
A bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my
Family for food stamps!
You want me to do all of this and then you tell me... I can't pray?
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