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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 24.01.21 08:52z 219 Lines 6002 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 12867_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 24/1
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<IQ5KG<I0OJJ<EA2RCF<LU9DCE<EC5W<KD8FMR<AL0Y<GB7YEW
Sent: 210124/0845Z 12867@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
s Grandmother used to say
The moon is pale - it will rain soon
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Adult.
Man thinks he has the power. But he is not aware that power comes from
the socket, not the plug!
---
"Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish",
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
--
Puns for those with a higher IQ
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
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Advice
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"Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from
Any direction."
Empathy
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A Sunday school teacher was telling her youngsters about Daniel and the
Lion's Den. To illustrate the lesson she had a picture of Daniel standing,
Brave and confident, with a group of lions around him. Suddenly, one little
Girl started to cry.
The teacher said, "Don't cry. The lions are not going to eat Daniel."
Snubbing back sobs and tears the girl said, "That's not what I'm crying
About. That little lion, over in the corner, isn't going to get anything to
Eat."
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When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a
Temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence Unit.
One day a long document came around with a cover sheet instructing all
Assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their
Compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialled it.
BUT a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An
Attached note read: "You are not permanently assigned to this unit and
Are thus not an authorised signer. Please erase your initials and initial
Your erasure."
So I did.
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A Real Man
A real man is a woman's best friend.
He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without
fear and forget regret.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most
intimate desires.
He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman
in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and
invincible.
No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of wine. Its wine that does all that.......
Never mind.
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1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired
his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical
Aleutian ..
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon
of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6 . No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering
.
8 A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You
stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital When his grandmother
telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
--------
Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their shopping carts around Tesco when they
collide.
The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't
paying attention to where I was going.
'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and
I'm getting a little desperate.'
The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'
The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big
boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. 'What does your wife look like?'
The old timer says...... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'
Us Old timers are helpful like that!
---------
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one
morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even
short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked
him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stops at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this but me."
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