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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 23.01.21 07:30z 236 Lines 7537 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 12806_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 23/1
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<IQ5KG<I0OJJ<GB7CIP<N7HPX<W9GM<GB7YEW
Sent: 210123/0714Z 12806@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When grass is dry at morning light look for rain before the night
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Old English
Youâ€Öll think of some prominent figures deserving the word emplemania from
the 19th century expression of the thirst for holding and retaining
public office. Some were total stiffrumps – obstinate individuals who
refuse to budge. It sits nicely with the 19th century trumperiness (the
state of being showy but of no value.)
You may also recognise the latibulator who hides in a corner to avoid
reality; and the snollygoster, an American term for a politician who
abandons all integrity in order to pursue their ambitions.
–
Finally, as lockdown wore on, time was brightened by apricity – the
warmth ofthe sun on a chilly day. Christmas benefitted from some
bellycheer – comfort that comes from filling oneâ€Ös stomach; and a good
dose of confelicity – the joy we take from the happiness of others.
-
As the Covid vaccine approaches we can dream of respair,a 16th century
word meaning fresh hope, a recovery from despair.
----
"Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish",
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
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Puns for those with a higher IQ
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
----
SCIENCE BREAKTHROUGH NEWS
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element
yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25
assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy
neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are
held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast
quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can
be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes
into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction
that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to
4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not
decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of
the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In
fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since
each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons,
forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some
scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons
reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When
catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium
(symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as
Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many
morons.
-------------------
A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish,
unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine..
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into
two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should
definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3.. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory
for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your money on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should
be masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that had you waited
a little longer, you could have got a better model.
The women won.
------------
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working
under your vehicle.
From the Daily News comes this story of a Walsall couple who
drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car
break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on
with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the
car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy
legs protruding from under the chassis.
Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public
ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped
forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and
tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she
looked across the bonnet and found herself staring
at her husband who was standing idly by.
The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his
forehead.
-------------------
A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly,
the plane was diverted to Sacramento along
the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay,
and if the passengers wanted to get off the
aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.
The man had noticed her as he walked by and
could tell the lady was blind because her seeing-eye dog lay
quietly underneath the seats in front of her
throughout the entire flight
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because
the pilot approached her, and calling her by name,
said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would
you like to get off and stretch your legs?'
The blind lady said, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to
stretch his legs.'
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when
they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the
plane with a seeing-eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered. They not only tried to
change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story... Have a great day and remember...things aren't always
as they appear.
----
Sexual
A suicide bomber died and went to Paradise, as foretold.
When he arrived there he said to Allah that he was ready to
claim his 72 virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked
Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven.
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72
virgins are here in heaven because people like you murdered them
before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here
to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous
and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. I shall banish
you from Paradise should you fail!
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard
can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?
Allah replied, "Who told you they were women?"
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