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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 22.01.21 07:00z 276 Lines 8376 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 12753_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 22/1
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<IQ5KG<I0OJJ<EA2RCF<LU9DCE<LU4DRH<W4GON<W9GM<
GB7YEW
Sent: 210122/0647Z 12753@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Little snow in the winter - Summer will have little rain
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Old English
Finally, as lockdown wore on, time was brightened by apricity – the
warmth of the sun on a chilly day. Christmas benefited from some
bellycheer – comfort that comes from filling oneâ€Ös stomach; and a good
dose of confelicity – the joy we take from the happiness of others.
As the Covid vaccine approaches we can dream of respair, a 16th
century word meaning fresh hope, a recovery from despair.
---
"Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish",
I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
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Puns for those with a higher IQ
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
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Here's some tweets from married folk - that can only be sent by married folk!
Originally posted on Huffpost...
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It's trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
My wife is frantically cleaning the house because we're having a bunch of ten year
olds over for a party, if you want to know the definition of a waste of time.
My phone updated and now my husband and I have the same exact emojis.
We may never have to speak again.
I bought a heavy duty night guard BC I grind my teeth. My husband likes feeling
like he's sleeping with Wayne Gretzky.
If my wife wants to argue, we're going to argue - doesn't matter if
I've already agreed with her - we have to argue until she says everything
she planned to say.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you're a pessimist.
Person: what does your husband do for a living?
Me: he's the President of Putting Up With My Crap.
Me: *trying to be romantic* I bought wine.
Wife: What kind?
Me: I don't remember.
Wife: What does the bottle look like?
Me: A cardboard box.
Couples on Facebook brag about their love and perfect life together.
Meanwhile it's a good day when my wife and I are still speaking to
each other after going grocery shopping together.
------
3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the Christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
-------
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or
boyfriend along shopping
This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
Oxford :
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty
Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and
your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our
surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine
products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor
gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he
began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror,
picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants
were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
Mission Impossible' theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look'
using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled
'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed
the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while;
then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'
---------------
A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to take-off when another
man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the 2 empty seats beside him.
The Labrador is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking
quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work
for the airline.
The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing dog, the best
there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the man,
"Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for
a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's
arm.
He says, "Good boy." The airline rep turns to the man and says, "That
woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and
her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.
"Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about,
sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places
two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying
cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."
"I like it!" says the first man.
A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up
and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone.
Sniffer comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and messes all over
the aisle and the seat.
The guy is really grossed out by this behaviour from a supposedly
well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What the hell is going on with this
stupid dog?
The handler nervously replies, "He's just found a bomb!
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