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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 21.01.21 07:46z 262 Lines 7194 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 12710_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 21/1
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<IQ5KG<I0OJJ<EA2RCF<LU9DCE<VE3BWM<N9PMO<GB7YEW
Sent: 210121/0725Z 12710@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Little snow in the winter - Summer will have little rain
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Old English
We were scurryfunging - (the mad rush to tidy-up just before visitors
arrived) – even virtualones – leaving one distinctly ill-willy --which
in the 16thcentury described anyone harbouring resentment.
Those engaging in video meetings could have used the 17th
century adjective nod-crafty, meaning “giving to nodding the head with an
air of great wisdom.”
Whether on a social network or a supermarket queue, most of us could have
used the 17thcentury noun ipsidixist – one who makes a dogmatic assertion
of a fact, because they had heard it “somewhere.”
Dontforget the ultracrepidarian - someone who holds forth on subjects
on which they have no expertise whatsoever.
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"Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words such as "you can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish"This girl today said she recognised me from the Vegetarians club but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.
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Here's some tweets from married folk - that can only be sent by married folk!
Originally posted on Huffpost...
I didn't even know I was the loudest cereal eater in the world until I got married.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You're not going to eat that are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Boss: I see your wife visited the office again.
Me (picking up throw pillows): Yep
After years of secrecy and arising suspicion my husband finally caught me in the act of shaving my toes.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am we just sleep the whole time but at least we're doing something together
My wife just asked me to build a new deck like I'm Jesus or something.
Being a husband means that sometimes you are required to answer questions
Like whats the name of the guy from the place who does the thing ?
If you don't start a fight with your husband because he's under reacting to
something that you're overreacting to then you're not wife-ing it like me.
Me: hey babe can you get me th-
Husband: I can't find it
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
There needs to be a flame font for when I'm rage-texting my husband.
my wife just dropped your father in a sentence so I guess I better go
change these relaxed fit cargo shorts to the serious slacks
I told my wife that my shoulder hurt too bad after lifting weights to run the
vacuum so I learned how to vacuum left handed today.
I tried on an outfit and asked husband if he liked that one or the next one best
...then went into the closet and came out with the exact same outfit on and he
looked at me and the idiot said definitely the first one.
Wife: You did not buy a motorcycle!
Me: *standing next to motorcycle* but look *points to saddle bag*
Wife: OMG IT HAS POCKETS! HOW CUTE!
The best marriages are never separated more than six degrees
on the thermostat setting.
FaceTime with my husband and I asked to talk to the dog.
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Kids
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Patient: "doctor doctor! I feel like a baby goat."
Doctor: "You've got to be kidding."
How should you treat a baby goat?
With kid gloves.
As one goat said to another "I kid you not."
Which of the following names are you familiar with?
1. Monica Lewinski
2. Tony Blair
3. Robert Mugabe
4. Jeremy Corbyn
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Winnie Mandela
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Sepp Blatter
So you had trouble with Number 5 ??
Fair enough Scroll down
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Typical..... You know the criminals murderers thieves sluts liars
and cheats but you don't know the Pope !!
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Kittens
Why did the cat join the Red Cross?
She wanted to be a first aid kit.
What happened when the poker player's cat swallowed a dime?
There was money in the kitty.
Why are kittens such good TV announcers?
They have wee paws for station identification.
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To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door -pet nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your
food and dish nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because
I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary
to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the
other end to maximise space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle
I beat you there and manage to get the door shut it is not necessary to claw whine
meow try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to
pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also I have
been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot
stress this enough!
To pacify you my dear pets I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes stay off the furniture. That's why they
call it 'fur'niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you they are an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short hairy walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college.
AND......
11. If they get pregnant you can sell their children!!
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SEXUAL
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A Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi"If I was to sneak over to your house and
make love to your wife while you were off fishing and she got pregnant and had a
baby would that make us related?"
"The Kiwi crooked his head sideways for a minute scratched his head and squinted
his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally he says"Well I don't know about being related but it would make us even."
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