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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 26.09.20 06:32z 239 Lines 7088 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
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As Grandmother used to say
Do business best when the wind's in the west
--
Palm Reading ;-
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments.
-------
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares'
game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!
Q.Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant
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Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Quietly, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife.
She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says, 'You better think it over,
Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'
-------------
21st Birthday
Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems
That his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on
Water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across
The lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Bubba's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim Bob took a
Boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat ... And
Nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he
Asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my
Pappy, his father, and his father before him?'
Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your
Father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when
The lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumbo'.
-----
Wife: You did not buy a motorcycle!
Me: *standing next to motorcycle* but look *points to saddle bag*
Wife: OMG IT HAS POCKETS! HOW CUTE!
The best marriages are never separated more than six degrees on the thermostat setting.
FaceTime with my husband and I asked to talk to the dog.
----------
It's a summer holiday weekend and a man walks into a butcher shop
that has a sign in the window saying "Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per
pound." The man says, "I'm having a cookout this weekend. I'd like
5 pounds of your ground sirloin, please."
The butcher shakes his head and says, "Sorry. I'm all out."
The man, disappointed goes down the street to another butcher shop
and asks, "How much is your ground sirloin?" The proprietor replies,
"It's $3.29 per pound."
"Three twenty nine!?!" exclaimed the customer. "Just up the street
he sells it for 29 cents!"
The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, "Does he have
any?"
"No. He's out of it right now."
"Well," says the butcher. "When I don't have any, I can sell it
for 19 cents per pound!"
-----------
A surgeon returns some books he borrowed from the library. The librarian
Quips after checking the books....."Sir your books are always returned with
The last page missing in every single book..."
The surgeon replies..."I can't stop myself from removing an appendix when
Ever I see one."
--------------
After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa
Was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an
Empty seat.
At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked
At the young man and thought This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and
If he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes
>From this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a
Jewish district.
On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only
Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow.
Ahh? But just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and
Jews don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going
To Samvet?
He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many
Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the
Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, and a nice looking fellow
Like him must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going? The
Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he's their son-in-law.
But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? They say that Sarah married
A nice lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessman from
Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is
Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with
All the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name.
What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if they allowed him
To change his name, he must have some special status. What could it be? A
Doctorate from the University.
At this point the scholar turns to the young man and says, "How do you do,
Dr. Kovacs?"
"Very well, thank you, sir." answered the startled passenger. But how is it
That you know my name?"
"Oh," replied the Talmudist, "it was obvious."
Church Bloopers
---------------
* PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and
Prayer Conference includes meals."
* The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."
* Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
Things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
* Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
* Mrs. Charlene Smith sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious
Pleasure to the congregation.
* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
Downstairs.
* Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help
They can get.
* Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
Transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.
* The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
Sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered.
* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
* This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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