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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 25.09.20 09:01z 335 Lines 10216 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 6109_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 25/9
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IQ2LB<IQ5KG<I0OJJ<EA2RCF<LU9DCE<LU4DRH<PY2BIL<AL0Y<
GB7YEW
Sent: 200925/0830Z 6109@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Into every life a little rain must fall
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Quotes
"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers,
thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that
awful water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where
bell or diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless
mothers would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked
lovers when leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath
the exulting wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them.
Thou saw'st the murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck;
for hours he fell into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his
murderers still sailed on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the
neighboring ship that would have borne a righteous husband to outstretched,
longing arms. O head! thou has seen enough to split the planets and make
an infidel of Abraham, and not one syllable is thine!"
-- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
--
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares'
game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!
Q.Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
------------------
I told my wife that my shoulder hurt too bad after lifting weights to run the vacuum so I learned
how to vacuum left-handed today.
I tried on an outfit and asked husband if he liked that one or the next one best...then went into
the closet and came out with the exact same outfit on and he looked at me and the idiot said, Definitely the first one.
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THE PSYCHIATRIST AND THE PROCTOLOGIST
Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign
reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysteria's and Posteriors."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors
changed it to read:
"Schizoids and haemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the
council, they
changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonic's."
No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."
Thumbs down again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds."
Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."
Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts."
Not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts?"
No way.
"Freaks and Cheeks?"
Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?"
Forget it.
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
--------
A breathtakingly, beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural
Pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her
Immediately. Seductively, she signalled that he should bring his face closer
to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper
towels in the ladies room."
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I heard that British Rail (BR) Complaints department recently got
A letter from a disgruntled passenger who wrote:-
“I am writing to complain about your Guildford to Waterloo service.
It is overcrowded with nowhere to sit on long journeys and frankly,
Better transport was available two thousand years ago.”
“Dear customer” replied BR “We are sorry to hear you are
Disappointed with our service. Meantime, we remind you
That travel was not better two thousand years ago as
Travel in those days was virtually all on foot.”
“Dear BR I thank you for your letter of the 14th inst and I
Refer you to 1 Kings 14 where it clearly states that Absolem
Rode to Jerusalem on his ass
– a comfort rarely enjoyed by your customers!”
Yours sincerely …
***
You would not believe it!!!
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients & felt guilty all day
long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt & sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once
in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner
to sleep with one of their patients, you won't be the last, & you are
single. Just let it go.."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,
Whispering:......
"Dave........
............you're a vet."
---------------
Philosophy of Life
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
3. Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
Standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It isn't the jeans that make your bum look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
(Just remember how lucky you were to get a free trip around the sun.)
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing.
It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. If you must choose between two evils, chose the one that you've never tried before.
----------
President Trump recently sought God's help in rebuilding
after Hurricane Katrina and the conversation went as follows:-
Trump: "Thanks for returning my call. I tried you several times,
but you were out or your answering machine didn't click on."
God: "You don't have to phone me to talk to me, George. I'm
God. I don't need an answering machine."
Trump: "Yes, of course. Listen, God. I need your help. The nation
needs your help in rebuilding from the hurricane."
God: "You built a city in a swamp, on a sinking delta, between
a lake and the largest river in North America. Now you want me
to help you rebuild it on the same spot! Why did I give you all
that gray matter, when you utilize only 10 percent of it?"
Trump: "It's not my idea to rebuild. Louisiana wants to do that.
I think they're whistlin' Dixie. You can't image the damage
flooding can do to a region and to my approval ratings."
God: "Yes I can. I have some flood experience."
Trump: "That's why Pat Robertson said I should come to you.
Your experience is invaluable."
God: "What would you like me to do?"
Trump: "For starters, you could shift the blame from me to the
mayor of the Big Easy and the governor of the Big Pool. How
was I to know our government wasn't prepared to handle a
national disaster? Who do they think I am, you?"
God: "Let's hope not. Why do you humans feel the need to
blame? I didn't give you fingers to point. They're for holding
hands and working together. I built the Gulf Coast as wetland
sanctuary for all my creatures. You drained its lifeblood and
buried it under a city. Sometimes I could kick myself for giving
you free will. Now, nature is retaliating. You are reaping what
you sowed."
Trump: "My wife does all the sewing in our house. But, you admit
that Nature is responsible for Hurricane Katrina. You created
Nature. You're to blame."
Trump: "Not so, my simple son. You're thinking in Earthly terms.
I am Nature, and I am you and you are me and we are all together
(I love Beatles' lyrics. The Fab Four were some of my best work).
If I help you, how will you repay me?"
Bush: "What do you want?"
God: "Adam gave me his rib."
Trump: "I would give you my conscious [ conscience ? ], but someone
already took it."
God: "I'm just kidding. I seek what I've always asked of my grandest
creation - love, faith and respect of life. You abuse life. You cause global
warming. Now it's turning on you. Hurricanes are Nature's way of staying cool."
Trump: "There's no proof of global warming."
God: "Why do you humans always need proof? Why can't you believe.
If you work with me, Nature and each other, all your problems will be
answered."
Trump: "That's it? That's all you bring to the table? I suspected you were
a Democrat. This proves it. I would have been better off building an ark."
God: "If you do, nix the two mosquitoes. I was wrong about them, too."
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