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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 24.09.20 06:30z 158 Lines 3898 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 6073_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 24/9
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Sent: 200924/0609Z 6073@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
September blows soft, 'till the fruit's in the loft
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Palm Reading ;-
Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to a
new town.
--
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares'
game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!
Q.If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q.According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the
habit of kissing a lot of people
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
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The Comedian Tommy Cooper (helps if you can imagine the voice!) was clearing
Out his loft when he came upon an old painting and a violin. Thinking they
Might be valuable, he took them to the auction house to be valued.
After studying them, the valuer said
“Mr Cooper, I have good news and I have bad news”.
“Whats the good news?” Tommy Cooper asked
“The good news is that you have a Stradivarius and a Caneletto”
“Fantastic! Whats the bad news?” Tommy Cooper asked
“Well Mr Cooper, the bad news is that Stradivarius was a very bad painter
And Caneletto was no good with violins”
***
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I
Would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per metre," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's
Fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten metres." With expectation and
Anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the
Cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside
Her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
Organised
---------
A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a
Mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything in its place, I
Am always going around the house organising things."
The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married
I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when
You are done and put back in its place.'"
The first woman asked, "Did it help?"
Her friend said, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."
---------
"Our local Catholic church has plans to bring their parishioners to services by
Bus; they plan to call it mass transit."
---------
"When on the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your dress!"
---------
"Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are
You going to drink that?"
---------
When my niece was only 6, her mom was preparing for elective surgery as she had
Decided that one boy and one girl was just right. After much consideration a
Tubial ligation was decided on. Surgery was scheduled during the school day, my
Young niece had to present a note alerting the teacher a new ride was coming
For her that day after school. Anxious to explain she blurted out to her
Instructor, "My Mom is having her boobs tied!"
---------
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject
Of marriage counselling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the
Wife explained.
"He was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts. He
Communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
New York
--------
A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out
And starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some
Thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his
Trunk. He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!"
"Okay," the man says, "You take the front and I'll take the back."
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