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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 22.09.20 06:30z 239 Lines 5631 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 5922_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 22/9
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<I0BLC<GB7CIP<JE7YGF<XE1FH<GB7YEW
Sent: 200922/0625Z 5922@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
the sharper the blast the sooner tis' past
------
Quotes
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not
advice, it is merely custom.
-- Mark Twain
---
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares'
game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!
Q.Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
more tomorrow.
----
A careful driver is one who honks his horn when he goes through a red light.
Gracie Allen One-Liners
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Appliance salesman: You'll like this range. For instance, you put in a
Roast, you set the oven control, then you go out all day. When you come
Home at night, the roast is done.
Gracie: Haven't you got one where I don't have to go out?
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Me: hey babe, can you get me th-
Husband: I can't find it
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
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My sister had a baby. I can't wait to find out if I'm an aunt or an uncle.
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school, I was so smart my
Teacher was in my class for five years.
When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.
In the next life, I'd like to come back as an oyster. Then I'd only have to
Be good from September to April.
George: Gracie, what do you think of television?
Gracie: Oh I think it's wonderful, I hardly ever watch radio anymore.
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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parrot
------
There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot. Not
Knowing what to do, she called 911.
"You gotta help me find my parrot!" she said.
The operator patiently replied, "We can't help you with that, ma'am. This
Number only deals with emergencies."
But the lady persisted, so the operator told her not to be concerned. "The
Parrot should fly back in a few days." he said.
Full of desperation, the lady cried, "But you don't understand! The only
Thing he says is 'Here, kitty, kitty!!!'"
----------------
A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a
Bath.
"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet."
---------------
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and
Room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the
Far East Economic Review:
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes'
Means."
RS: "Toes! Toes!...Why Jew don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an
English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on
Sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You're very welcome."
-------------
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its
socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh! my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to
the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap
....... and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said,
"you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies........."
Wait for it... (scroll down)
>
>
>
>
>
>
She says:
>
>
"You just happened to catch my eye."
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