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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 10.07.20 06:32z 322 Lines 8587 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 22031_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 10/7
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IQ2LB<GB7COW<KE0GB<GB7YEW
Sent: 200710/0609Z 22031@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
Grandmother used to say
Flies will swarm before a storm
--
Palm Reading ;-
You will be honoured for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause.
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You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
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People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.
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Ass, n.:
The masculine of "lass".
----
Electricity originates inside clouds.
There, it forms into lightning, which is attracted to
the Earth by golfers. After entering the ground,
the electricity hardens into coal, which, when dug up by
power companies and burned in big ovens called 'generators,'
turns back into electricity...where it is transformed by TV
sets into commercials for beer, which passes through the
consumers and back into the ground, thus completing what
is known as a "circuit".
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1- Open Google Maps (directions)
2 - Type China as your starting point
3 - Type Taiwan as your destination
4 - Read step 48
5 - When you stop laughing, type this in your profile so others can laugh too
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Smart man smart woman = romance
Smart man dumb woman = affair
Dumb man smart woman = marriage
Dumb man dumb woman = pregnancy
____________ _________ _________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss smart employee = profit
Smart boss dumb employee = production
Dumb boss smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss dumb employee = overtime
____________ _________ ________
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is
Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your
parrot, he is dead"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Is, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains
caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed
because of a candle?"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late last night and
I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor Made
Super Quad 460 golf club."
SILENCE......... LONG SILENCE...........
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep trouble !!"
Blind On One Side
-----------------
During court one day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a note reading:
"Blind on right side, may be falling. Please call someone."
Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before whispering to the
Judge that paramedics were on their way.
Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right side of
the room and explained, "I was thinking someone from maintenance!"
-----------------
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled
down to 4-letter words.
"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?'
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... If
you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... If there is one." - -
Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.."
- Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... For support
rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx
'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.'
- Jack E. Leonard
'He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.'
- Robert Redford
'They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of
human knowledge.'
- Thomas Brackett Reed
'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.'
- Billy Wilder
'He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man
I know.'
- Abraham Lincoln
'A modest little person, with much to be modest about. '
- Winston Churchill
An exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies
or your mistress."
---------
Dear Lord,
Every single evening
As I'm lying here in bed,
This tiny little Prayer
Keeps running through my head:
God bless all my family
Wherever they may be,
Keep them warm
And safe from harm
For they're so close to me.
And God, there is one more thing
I wish that you could do;
Hope you don't mind me asking,
Please bless my computer too.
Now I know that it's unusual
To Bless a motherboard,
But listen just a second
While I explain it to you, Lord.
You see, that little metal box
Holds more than odds and ends;
Inside those small compartments
Rest so many of my friends.
I know so much about them
By the kindness that they give,
And this little scrap of metal
Takes me in to where they live.
By faith is how I know them
Much the same as you.
We share in what life brings us
And from that our friendships grew.
Please take an extra minute
From your duties up above,
To bless those in my address book
That's filled with so much love.
Wherever else this prayer may reach
To each and every friend,
Bless each e-mail in-box
And each person who hits 'send'.
When you update your Heavenly list
On your own Great CD-ROM,
Bless everyone who says this prayer
Sent up to GOD.com
Amen
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The Back Pew
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before
The congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed
a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold
Another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal
Of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the
Clergyman's' additional children were costing the church,and how much more it
Could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an
Hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a
Gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.
Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand,
And finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get
Too much of it, we wear rubbers.' The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'
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