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GM3YEW > HUMOUR   08.07.20 07:02z 217 Lines 7125 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 21976_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 8/7
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<IK1NHL<CX2SA<N9PMO<GB7YEW
Sent: 200708/0604Z 21976@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18

As Grandmother used to say 
 
 Clouds on the hilltops, if falling, promise rain, if rising, clear weather
Anger

-----
 
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants
to read.
  -- Mark Twain
--

   *** NEWSFLASH ***
Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!  Details at eleven!
 

--
 

Husband to wife: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you
Control your anger?"
 
"I clean the toilet bowl."
 
"How does that help?"
 
"I use your toothbrush."
 
 
-------
 
 
 
Bizarre Sporting Mishaps
 
------------------------
 
After beating 1000 rivals in a 500-mile race, Percy the racing pigeon
 
Flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft and was promptly eaten by a cat.
 
In preparation for the 1992 New York Golden Gloves Championships, boxer
 
Daniel Caruso psyched himself up by pounding his gloves into his face. In
 
Doing so, he broke his nose and was disqualified from the match.
 
While waving to the crowd after finishing fourth in the 500cc US Motor
 
Cycle Championship in 1989, Kevin Magee fell off the machine and broke his
 
Leg.
 
During a cricket game in Kalgoorlie, Australia, Stan Dawson was hit by a
 
Delivery which ignited a box of matches in his pocket. As he tried to beat
 
Down the flames, he was tagged out.
 
Russian athlete Ivanon Vyacheslav was so thrilled to win a medal at the
 
1956 Melbourne Olympics that he threw the medal high into the air. It
 
Landed in Lake Wendouree, and was never found.
 
 
 
 
 
Golf
 
----
 
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was
 
Standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
 
She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
 
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day,
 
Is it?"
 
----------
 
 
 
There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle  Me Elmo toys. The toy 
Laughs when you tickle it under  the arm.  A new employee is hired at the  
Factory and starts at 0800.  The next day at 0845  there is a knock at the 
Personnel Manager's door.  The Foreman from the assembly line  throws open the door 
And begins to rant about the new  employee. He complains that she is incredibly 
Slow and the whole line is backing up,  putting the entire production line 
Behind  schedule. 
 
The Personnel Manager decides he  should see this for himself so the 2 men 
March down to the  factory floor.  When they get there the line is so  backed up 
That there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the  factory floor and they're 
Really beginning to pile up. 
At the end of the line stands the  new employee surrounded by mountains of 
Tickle Me Elmo's. She  has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small  
Marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, 
Wraps it around two  marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package 
Between Elmo's  legs. 
The Personnel Manager bursts into  laughter. After several minutes of 
Hysterics he pulls  himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he  says 
To her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood 
The  instructions I gave you yesterday"...... 
"Your job is to give Elmo two test  tickles".

 
  The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven !!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
 
 
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same
Day and they both go before an Angel to find out
If they'll be admitted to Heaven.
 
Unfortunately, there's only  one space left that day,
So the Angel must decide which  of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why
  She should go to Heaven.
 
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these,
They're the most perfect breasts
 
God ever created, and I'm  sure it will please God to
Be able to see them every day,  for eternity..'
 
The Angel thanks Dolly, and  asks Her Majesty the same?
Question.  The Queen takes a  bottle of Perrier out of her purse,
Drinks it down. Then, wee's into a toilet and  pulls the lever.
 
The Angel says, 'OK, your   Majesty, you may go in.'
 
Dolly is outraged and asks,  'What was that all about?
  I show you two of God's own  perfect creations and you turn
  Me down.  She wee's into a toilet and she gets in!  Would
  You explain that to me?'
 
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,
A Royal Flush beats a Pair no matter how big they are.
 
 
 
---------------
  
 
Just phoned the NHS swine flu help line and all I got was crackling.
 
How did the pig go on holiday? The swine flu....
 
Swine flu isn't a problem for pigs, because they're all going to be cured anyway.
 
The first sign of pig flu is that you come out in nasty rashers.
 
If you want a clear train carriage on the way into work this week, just start
coughing loudly and exclaiming "Iválgame dios!" in a Mexican accent.
 
Swine flu is getting serious, it has been reported to be a hamdemic, which may
lead to an aporkolypse... But we'll get through. Where there's a swill there's a
way.
 
The only known cure for Swine Flu has been found to be the liberal application
of oinkment.
 
My friend says he's got swine flu, but I think he's telling porkies.
 

--------
Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "do you want the winner
of the next race?"
Paddy replies "no tanks, I've only got a small garden."
 
Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the
police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"
 
A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to
guess where they were going..... the driver won £52!
 
Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take its
shell off to reduce its weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work,
if anything it made him more sluggish.
 
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police
and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"
 
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to
your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid because I wasn't even at home
yesterday."
 
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front
of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?" 
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom
lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."
 
Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a
bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2  years ago
I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary
got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"
 
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says  "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
 
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the  shampoo?" 
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
 
 


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