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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 07.07.20 06:32z 307 Lines 6519 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 21943_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 7/7
Path: HB9ON<IW0QNL<VE2PKT<GB7YEW
Sent: 200707/0622Z 21943@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When bees stay close to the hive, rain is close by.
---
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
--
"Wagner's music is better than it sounds." -- Mark Twain
-
The bartender serves up four pints and lines them on the bar.
The man downs them. One, Two, Three, Four.
Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and promptly orders
Three pints.
And one after the other, he knocks them back. One, Two, Three.
"Two pints, mate!" he calls, and the bartender places two pints in front of
Him. Down they go. One, Two.
Then the man slams the last one down on the bar and says, "One pint, mate!"
The bartender fills the glass.
The guy just sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus. Then
He looks at the bartender and says, "Ya know, 'ish a funny thing, but the
Less I drink, the drunker I get!"
---------
ColoRectal Surgeon <Innuendo -
No, Wait, that's an Italian suppository
Have you ever wondered why an intelligent human being would become a
Colorectal surgeon? Well the singers George Bowser and Ricky Blue
Wondered too, and gave their conclusions to the Annual Meeting of the
American Society of Colorectal Surgeons in 1995.
"Working Where The Sun Don't Shine" (The Colorectal Surgeon's Song)
We praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness, working where the sun don't shine.
Respect the colorectal surgeon
It's a calling few would crave
Lift up your hands and join us
Let's all do the finger wave.
When it comes to spreading joy
There are many techniques
Some spread joy to the world
And others just spread cheeks.
Some may think the cardiologist
Is their best friend
But the colorectal surgeon knows...
He'll get you in the end!
Why be a colorectal surgeon?
It's one of those mysterious things.
Is it because in that profession
There are always openings?
When I first met a colorectal surgeon
He did not quite understand;
I said, "Hey it's nice to meet you But do you mind if we don't shake hands."
He sailed right through medical school
Because he was a whiz
Oh But he never thought of psychology
Though he read passages
A doctor he wanted to be
For golf he loved to play
But this is not quite what he meant... By eighteen holes a day!
Praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness, working where the sun don't shine!
Time Management
---------------
The church wanted to help their congregation cope better with the stresses
Of modern life, and decided to offer a course in Time Management.
Soon after the course was announced, a member telephoned the Pastor.
"What time does the course start, Pastor?"
The Pastor replied, "Oh... Sixish, sevenish...."
Behaviour Modification
----------------------
An elementary school teacher, well versed in educational jargon, asked for
A small allotment of money for "behaviour modification reinforcer's."
The principal saw the item and asked, "What on earth are those?"
"Lollipops," the teacher explained.
Budget
------
I've been working on my budget.
Line one is my fixed expenses,
Line two is my fixed income,
And the difference is the fix I'm in.
Cannibals
---------
Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile
Cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it,
And left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh
Uncontrollably.
The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, "What's wrong with you?
We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be
Funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary replied, "I just peed in the soup!"
Swiss
-----
While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife
Has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny, tiny
Canoe paddle.
Phone
-----
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at
Four forty four a.m. By his ringing telephone . . . "Your dog's barking,
And it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice. Bernard thanked the
Caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.
The next morning, at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his
Neighbour back . . . "Good morning, Mr. Williams. I just called to tell you
That I don't HAVE a dog."
Terrorists
----------
Homeland Security have announced they aren't too worried about the Al Qaeda
Terrorists who've hijacked a Goodyear blimp to attack the Empire State
Building.
"Aw C'mon", said a spokesman "they've bounced off three times already !"
Sexual content -
----
BLONDE MAN arrives home early. As he gets in he hears panting and his
wife shouting "yes! No! Yes!" up stairs. He puts down his brief case and goes
up to the bedroom and his wife is lying on the bed. "What's the matter Hun?"
he asks - "I think I have had a heart attack" she says.
As he reaches for his mobile to dial 999 their nine year old comes in and says
"Uncle Eddie's in the wardrobe". Blonde man pulls open the wardrobe door
and there's his brother standing there in a state of undress.
"EDWARD" he shouts " I am surprised at you - here's my wife having a heart
attack and you're playing hide and seek with the kids"....
--------------
What Religion are you?
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been baptised and didn't go to Sunday
School. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, "We need to be baptised because no one will come out and play
with us. Will you baptise us?"
"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the
toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play.
" When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think
we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle you"
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!"
"Yeah! What do you think that means?"
"I think it means we're Pisscopalians
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