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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 06.07.20 07:02z 229 Lines 5416 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 21906_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 6/7
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<UA6ADV<CX2SA<PE1RRR<N7HPX<KC9VYU<W9GM<GB7YEW
Sent: 200706/0625Z @:GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO #:21906 LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Trout jump high When a rain is nigh
------
A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit,
let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that
there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another,
completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of
beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells.
It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club
near your person at all times."
-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
--
Actor: So what do you do for a living? Doris: I work for a company that
makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants.
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
---
The little two-year-old daughter was with her mother while her older sister
was being examined by a dentist. The girl kept herself busy playing with
toys in the waiting room until she noticed that her mom was resting, her
eyes closed.
With about six other patients waiting, the little girl marched up to her
mother, looked her straight in the face and shook her shoulder.
"Mommy," she yelled, "wake up! This is not church!"
Speed
-----
One time we were driving through a construction zone and the sign said,
SPEED LIMIT 35 AHEAD. Well there were four of us in the car so we were
through there in no time.
---------
Gift
----
My wife and I received a lovely trophy as a wedding gift from a friend. But
upon closer inspection, we noticed that the plaque seemed to reveal some
dark, previously hidden secret.
There were only two lines on the engraving, and no punctuation. Read
together, it said, "May the Lord Bless You and Keep You From Mary Blevin."
---
A blonde is complaining to her friend about the bad day she'd had at work.
Her boss had suffered a heart attack and died.
Her friend said, "How horrible! What did you do?"
The blonde shook her head. "There was nothing I could do. He kept yelling
At me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldn't tell me the rest of the numbers.."
Viagra
------
Bill walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra. The pharmacist
Says "Do you have a prescription?"
Bill says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."
--------
The military is a stickler for rules, and when it comes to off-base medical
Treatment, the rules are that many procedures need to be pre authorized. So
When we were expecting our first child, my husband and I did things by the
Book.
After our son was born on April 23rd, the insurance statement showed that
The obstetrician was not paid the full contracted amount. So I called our
Insurers' representative.
"The problem is, your son was born early," she said, looking through my
Files. "And the Air Force hadn't authorized him to arrive for another two
Weeks."
---------
DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to
Go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under
The mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail
You a cheque."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But,
Whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I
REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
Discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just
As she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman
Go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
Yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
Himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
Sexual
-------
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out
With each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided
It was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long
Conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the
Subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively-
"I would like it infrequently" she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses
And leaned over towards her and whispered ...... "Is that one word or two?"
The Human Body
It Takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth To your stomach.
One Human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The Average man's penis is three times the length of his Thumb.
Human Thighbones are stronger than Concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster Than a man's.
There are about one Trillion bacteria on each of your Feet.
Women blink twice as often As men.
The average person's skin Weighs twice as much as the Brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles To balance itself when you are standing Still.
If saliva cannot dissolve Something, you cannot taste It.
Women reading This will be finished now.
Men are Still busy checking their thumbs.
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