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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 05.07.20 07:02z 467 Lines 12894 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 21882_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 5/7
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<IQ5KG<IK1NHL<CX2SA<PE1RRR<K5DAT<KE0GB<GB7YEW
Sent: 200705/0630Z 21882@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
A rainy spring a severe summer
------
You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to metal
objects which are not fastened down.
-----
Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
--
A loud mouthed American was berating an Englishman he had just met.
"The trouble with you English is that you are so bloody stuffy.
You set yourselves above the average person.
Do you really think your stiff upper lip attitude really works?"
"Look at me. I'm me. I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little
Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman replied, "How very sporting of your mother."??
----
At an Embassy function in Washington, when the band struck up, Pauly (who
had gate-crashed) asked: "Beautiful lady in scarlet, will you waltz with
Me?"
"Certainly not," was the reply. "First, you are drunk. Second, it is not a
waltz, but the Venezuelan National Anthem; and third, I am not a beautiful
lady in scarlet, but the Papal Nuncio!"
Headlines From The Year 2029
----------------------------
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest
Country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. White
Minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third
Language.
The Spotted Owl plague threatens north-western United States crops and
Livestock.
Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the
Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more
Years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally,
But President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to £17.89 and reduces mail
Delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75 billion study : Diet and Exercise are the keys to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed,
They now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters
And rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political
Contributions to campaign accounts.
Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
IRS sets minimum tax rate at 75 percent.
Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines
-----
The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then
starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour,
asks,'Where are you going?'
He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'
She says, 'Why, are you sick?'
He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out
of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, 'Where the hell are you going ?
She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'
He says, 'Why, what do you need?'
She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm
getting a tetanus shot.'
-------
Forgotten Words
---------------
I haven't thought about fender skirts in years. When I was a kid, I
Considered it a strange term. It made me think of a car in lady's clothing.
Thinking about fender skirts started me thinking about other words that
Quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice. Remember "curb
Feelers" and "steering knobs"? Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind
Naturally went that direction first. You kids will probably have to find
Some elderly person to explain some of these terms to you.
Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire
Covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental,
But never worked, in my estimation.
Why did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking
Brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with
"emergency brake."
I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the
Accelerator the "foot feed."
Here's a phrase we heard all the time in our youth but never any more,
"store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these
Days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a
Store-bought bag of candy.
"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now
Means almost nothing. Now we take the term "worldwide" for granted.
This floors me on a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term
In our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered their hardwood floors with,
Wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall
Carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's
Hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too
Graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company. So we had all
That talk about stork visits and "being in a family way", simply
"expecting", or "P. G."
Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other
Day and my daughter cackled. I guess it's just "bra" now. "Unmentionables"
Probably wouldn't be understood at all.
It's hard to recall that this word was once said in a whisper, "divorce."
And no one is called a "divorcee" anymore. Certainly not a "gay divorcee."
Come to think of it, "confirmed bachelors" and "career girls" are long
Gone, too.
Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came
across the other day, "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!
Here's a word I miss, "percolator." That was a word that was fun to say.
And what was it replaced with? "Coffee-maker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame
you for this.
I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and
now sound so retro. Words such as "DynaFlow" and "ElectraLux." "Introducing
the 1963 Admiral TV, now with SpectraVision!"
Food for thought: Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody
complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because we
never hear mothers threatening their kids with castor oil anymore, either.
I know of another word that has changed meaning just in the last few years.
Thongs used to mean shoes that are now called flip-flops. Guess what thong
means now!
Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one
that grieves me most, "supper." Save a great word. Invite someone to
supper. Discuss fender skirts.
I am going to add one more here. Happened the other day a meteor came
through the atmosphere above the Pacific Northwest. The news reports said
it was the size of a 'computer monitor'. Struck me funny as in our day it
would have been the size of a "bread box." Now people don't know what a
bread box is.
Are we getting old?
----------
Supposed to be true - DM
Bananas. Containing three natural sugars -- sucrose, fructose and glucose
combined with fibre, -- a banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial
boost of energy. Research shows that just two bananas provide enough energy
for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number
one fruit with the world's leading athletes. But energy isn't the only way a
banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial
number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.
Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people
suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is
because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that he body converts
into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally
make you feel happier.
PMS: Forget the pills -- eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates
blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood. Anaemia: High in iron,
bananas can stimulate the production of haemoglobin in the blood and so
helps in cases of anaemia.
Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet
low in salt, making it the perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US
Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make
official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and
stroke.
Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were helped
through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch
in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the
potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.
Constipation: High in fibre, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal
bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.
Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana
milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the
help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes
and re-hydrates your system.
Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer
from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.
Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood
sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.
Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the
affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly
successful at reducing swelling and irritation.
Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.
Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found
pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and crisps.
Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more
likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced
food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high
carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.
Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because
of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten
without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and
reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.
Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit that
can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers.
In Thailand, for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby
is born with a cool! temperature.
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because
they contain the natural mood enhancer, tryptophan.
Smoking: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12
they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the
body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.
Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends
oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's! water balance. When we are
stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These
can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.
Strokes: According to research in "The New England Journal of Medicine,"
eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of having a stroke
much as 40í
Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a
wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side
out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!
So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an
apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the
phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and
minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around.
So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say...
"A banana a day keeps the doctor away!"
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