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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 05.04.20 07:10z 339 Lines 10340 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 18042_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 5/4
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<I0OJJ<N6RME<CX2SA<PE1RRR<K5DAT<KE0GB<GB7YEW
Sent: 200405/0627Z 18042@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
The winter does not leave without a backward glance
---
Thought for the day
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
-- Mark Twain
--------
Puns for those with a higher IQ
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
--------
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets,
'Do you want to go to heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go
to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die
you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now.'
------
One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the
time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the
most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get
here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I
landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash
up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some
raw material I found on the island.
The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from
palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of
the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make
the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small
wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him
is a long stone walk leading to an cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she
says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take
another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How
would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit
down on her couch to talk.
After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman
announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.
Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in
the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the
bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece
of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge
are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned,
she smelled faintly of gardenias.
She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,
"We've both been out here for many months. You must have
been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing
right now, something you've been longing for, right?"
She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows
excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
"You've built a Golf Course ?"
----------
The light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the
right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he
could have beaten the red light by accelerating through
the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn,
screaming in frustration, because she missed her
chance to get through the intersection and, at the same
time, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
While she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window
and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer
ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to
the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and
opened the door. The tailgating woman was escorted back
to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting
with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I
pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn,
flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak
at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper
sticker, the 'Choose Life' licence plate holder, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated
Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed
you had stolen the car."
Priceless!
-------------
A Baptist minister was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St.
John's.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Newfie asked for rum & Coke, which was brought and placed before
him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust...
"I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor
touch my lips."
The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
---------
King Arthur and the Witch:
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was
moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his
freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.
Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year,
he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would
perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it
seemed an impossible query.
But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's
proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess,
the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with
everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would
have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the
kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk
to the witch.. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree
to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the
Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only
one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had
never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible
burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life
and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's
question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her
own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a
great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and
Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a
horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The
most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The
astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she
appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed
self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to
show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old
witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a
beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below.
BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.
OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice
herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the
time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own
life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly!!!
-----------
Sexual
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,
"What a Great chest you have!'
He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'
He takes off his pants and the blonde says,'
"What massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the
apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.
He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite
after I saw how short the fuse was!'
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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