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GM3YEW > HUMOUR   04.04.20 07:25z 244 Lines 8009 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
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As Grandmother used to say
 When the night goes to bed with a fever, it will awake with a wet head

---
 Thought for the day

You are taking yourself far too seriously.
----
Puns for those with a higher IQ

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
------

Eyesight
--------
The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.

The defence lawyer asks Sam"Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes" said Sam"I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sam again"Sam this happened at night. Are you sure you
Saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes" says Sam"I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam"Sam listen you are 80 years old and your
Eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Sam says"I can see the moon.  How far is that?"
------

              Thoughts & words of wisdom
1)    If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2)    Do not worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3)   Going to church doesn't make you a good person anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4)    Artificial intelligence is no match for stupidity.

5)  If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6)    My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7)    Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8)    It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9)    For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10)  If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11)  Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12)A conscience is what hurts when all the rest of your other parts feel  good.

13)  Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway.

14)  Men are from earth, women are from earth… deal with it.

15)  No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16)  Middle age is when broadness of the mind & narrowness of the waist change places.

17)Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

18)Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks  before you need it.

19)  A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

20)There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21)Experience is a wonderful thing.  It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22)By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.


23)Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

24)It ainâ€Öt the jeans that make your butt look fat, trust me.
 ----
New N.H.S. Proposals
The Royal College of Nursing has weighed in on Prime Minister Teresa May's
health care proposals for the junior doctors in the National Health Service.
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the
Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the
Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up."
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the
Radiologists could see right through it.
The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the
whole thing.
The Ear Nose and Throat specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.
The Pharmacists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the
Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the
Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes
in Whitehall.


-- 



A Flight To Chicago
-------------------
Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on
Central Standard time Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a
Plane to Chicago.

"The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m." a ticket agent said"and arrives in
Chicago at 1:01 p.m."

"Would you repeat that please?"  Bob asked.

The agent did so and then inquired"Do you want a reservation?"

"No" said Bob"But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off."




Dog Food?
---------
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for LittleCookie and Lucky
And was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

Duh! I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse I told her no I was
Starting the Purina Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I'd
Ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
Awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my
Orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I
Told her that it was an easy inexpensive diet and the way it works is to
Load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two
Every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally
Complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
Enthralled with my story particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was
That why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no - I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit
Me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

-----------



Puzzle
------
A man is walking down a road with a basket of eggs. As he is walking he
Meets someone who buys one-half of his eggs plus one-half of an egg. He
Walks a little further and meets another person who buys one-half of his
Eggs plus one-half of an egg. After proceeding further he meets another
Person who buys one-half of his eggs plus one half an egg. At this point he
Has sold all of his egg sand he never broke an egg. How many eggs did the
Man have to start with?

      _________________________________________

           SCROLL DOWN TO FIND THE SOLUTION
      _________________________________________























Answer:

7 eggs. The first person bought one half of his eggs plus one half an egg
(3 1/2   1/2 = 4 eggs) This left him 3 eggs. The second person bought
One-half of his eggs plus one half an egg(1 1/2   1/2 = 2 eggs) leaving
The man 1 egg. The last person bought one-half of his eggs plus one-half an
Egg(1/2   1/2 = 1 egg) leaving no eggs.

-----------------

 A Golf Poem

In My Hand I Hold A ball White And dimpled Rather Small.
Oh How Bland It Does appear This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not guess The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its spell I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell
.My Life Has Not Been Quite The same Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On end a Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me yell Curse And cry I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called par If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny ball Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball refuses And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And SlicesDribblesAnd dies And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have AWhimTo Hit A Tree Or ! Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To land It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My soul If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like APupAnd Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My SorrowBut The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.

Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls....
A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drinkon average22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That meanson averagegolfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud. Almost feel like a hybrid.

-- 
Best Wishes
Dave.





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