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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 03.04.20 06:30z 273 Lines 9339 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 17960_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 3/4
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<I0OJJ<LU4ECL<JE7YGF<N9PMO<GB7YEW
Sent: 200403/0546Z 17960@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Three days rain will empty any sky
...........................
Acknowledgement "SUNDAY TIMES".
12) A lady managed to get one loo roll from TESCO and said," I feel bad for the next person to
use their customer toilet.
---
1. At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I sighed as she squeezed
and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I'd seen.
2.Staring at her naked body, I asked what she wanted. She told me to go for
something between a smack and a stroke. So I went for a smoke.
3.'How do you feel about using toys in the bedroom?' she asked. 'Fine,' I said,
'But I can't see how we're going to fit a Scalextric in here.'
4.Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave flow through it. I
probably should've told her about the new electric fence.
5.As I lay there on the floor, my naked body covered in treacle and whipped
cream, I heard those inevitable words . . . 'Clean up on aisle 3.'
6.'Are you ready to be tortured in a way only a woman can torture a man?' she
asked. I nodded nervously. 'OK' she said and ate half my chips.
7.Frantically I tore off her dress, bra and knickers. My heart was racing but I
just managed to close the wardrobe door before she got home.
8.'Hurt me!' she begged, leaning over the dining table expectantly. 'OK,' I
replied, 'Your turkey's too dry and your sprouts are overcooked.'
9.She leant over the kitchen table. 'Smack that bottom,' she squealed, 'Smack
it hard!' 'I am,' I said, 'But the ketchup just won't come out.'
10.She wanted to try phone sex so I pretended to be an IT support guy. It
turned her on. Then it turned her off. Then it turned her on again.
11.They asked me to smear their naked bodies with the produce from my herb
garden but I just couldn't do it. Too many women, not enough thyme.
12.'I'm your slave,' she said breathlessly, 'Make me feel completely helpless and
worthless.' So I locked her in the shed and went to the pub.
13.Her body trembled and shook.'I can't wait any longer, do it now!' she cried.
'OK,' I said and got the winter duvet from the airing cupboard.
14.'Harder!' she cried, gripping the workbench even tighter, 'Harder!' 'All right,'
I said, 'What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?'
15.'Hurt me!' she cried, pressing her body up against the shed wall. 'All right,' I
said. 'You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister.'
16.'Stick it right up there,' she said, 'I want to remember this!' I did, then I patted it
firmly. You can't be too careful with Post-it notes.
17.My tongue flicked in and out, in and out, faster and faster until she was completely
helpless. No woman can resist a good lizard impression.
18.'I'm a bad girl,' she whispered, 'Punish me in a way only a real man can!' 'All
right,' I said and left my wet towels on the bathroom floor.
19.'I want it now against this wall!' she ordered, 'And keep it up as long as possible.'
'Don't worry,' I said, 'I know how to put up a shelf.'
20.As we sat in the dark restaurant, she stroked my thigh and said 'I want to see
your hardness.' 'All right,' I replied, and punched the waiter.
--------
A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol, police say
itâ€Ös definitely race related..................
Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have
announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8..........................
I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but
explaining they were not a dating agency...................
I've heard that Apple has scrapped plans for the new
children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened but I've been banned from it
after asking to look at some bomber jackets.
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on
FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4,000
Muslims have added me as a friend!
The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help
towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our hose only
reaches to the bottom of the garden.
Test
----
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is person cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I
Bet you can't resist passing it on.
----
The rain was pouring down. There, standing in front of a big puddle outside
the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of
string dangling in the water..
A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"
"Fishing" replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent
says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."
In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit
of a smart ass, cannot resist asking,
"So how many have you caught today?"
"You're the eighth", says the old man.
----
Conflicting Proverbs
--------------------
More ironic than funny..
Actions speak louder than words.
The pen is mightier than the sword.
Look before you leap.
He who hesitates is lost.
Many hands make light work.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.
A silent man is a wise one.
A man without words is a man without thoughts.
Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Clothes make the man.
Don't judge a book by its cover.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Better safe than sorry.
The bigger, the better.
The best things come in small packages.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Out of sight, out of mind.
What will be, will be.
Life is what you make it.
Cross your bridges when you come to them.
Forewarned is forearmed.
What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
One man's meat is another man's poison.
With age comes wisdom.
Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings come all wise sayings.
The more, the merrier.
Two's company; three's a crowd.
Teaching Maths
--------------
Last week I purchased a burger for $1.55. I handed the cashier $2.00 and
Started digging for some change. I pulled out 5 cents and gave it to her.
She stood there with $2 and 5 cents. She looked bewildered, holding the
Coins, while looking at the screen on her register.
I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me a 50 cent
Coin, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the
Transaction to her, she burst into tears.
The incident got me thinking about how our kids were learning maths in
School (or not).
Teaching Maths In 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
Cost of production is 4/5ths of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Maths In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
Cost of production is 4/5ths of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Maths In 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set of
"M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one
Dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set
"C," the cost of product ion, contains 20 fewer points than set "M."
Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M." Answer this question: What is
The cardinality of the set "P" of profits?
Teaching Maths In 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
Cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline
The number 20.
Teaching Maths In 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger
Makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for
Class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds
And squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees. (There are no wrong
Answers)
Teaching Maths In 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
Cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Anderson determine that his
Profit margin is $60?
Teaching Maths in 2005: El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta
De production es . . . .
------
Love and Marriage..
* Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits,
And then complain that he's not the man she married?
* When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably
Something his wife can beat him at.
* Women love the simpler things in life - such as men.
* Some say marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
* Grandchildren don't make a man feel old... it's the thought
that he's married to a grandmother.
* When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get
lucky. A woman already knows.
* Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One
is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other
is to let her have it.
* When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.
* All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterwards
that causes all the trouble!
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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