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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 02.04.20 08:40z 256 Lines 8652 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 17918_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 2/4
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<I0OJJ<VE4KLM<VA3TOK<LU9DCE<N7HPX<N3DWB<KE0GB<
GB7YEW
Sent: 200402/0612Z 17918@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Sweet April showers do Spring May flowers
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Acknowledgement "SUNDAY TIMES".
11)Never thought I'd say this, but can we go back to talking about BREXIT!
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LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back
and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mommy
looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly,
"And she turned into a telephone pole!"
________________________________
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.
She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded
and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
________________________________
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing
when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."
_______________________________________________
MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a
rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea,
he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow
up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his Mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom, but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
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THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one
of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters
a month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm.
After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the
congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up
to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's
all I need to know."
________________________________
UNANSWERED PRAYER The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused
and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day,
she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his
messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.
________________________________
BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your
prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
________________________________
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one
of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into
silence and, after church, asked, "Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?"
Tommy answered soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!"
________________________________
TIME TO PRAY A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
"Yes, sir." the boy replied.
"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked. "No sir,"
the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime"
________________________________
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every
family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).
For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say,
"And all girls."
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing.
My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you
always add the part about all girls?"
Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"
________________________________
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little
Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait
until we say our prayer." said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating
at our house."
"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she
knows how to cook!"
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Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy,
Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs
bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing
the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A
whisky bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked
in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He
managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as
best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his
way to bed..
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and
Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass
at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house,
it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the
hall mirror.
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A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
Amen!"
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school
clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came
home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the
bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the
groceries, paid the bills and balanced the cheque book. He cleaned the cat's litter
box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 1 P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop
the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way
home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded
The pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed.
At 9 P.M .
He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed
where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without
complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
Amen!"
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change
Things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night."
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Sexual connatation
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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair
Eating a snack cake, while her dad gets his hair cut,
The barber says to her,
"Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
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