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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 31.03.20 08:20z 197 Lines 6442 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 17848_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 31/3
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<I0OJJ<N6RME<CX2SA<PE1RRR<K5DAT<KE0GB<W9GM<GB7YEW
Sent: 200331/0610Z 17848@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Every day is a new beginning
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Acknowledgement "SUNDAY TIMES".
9)Teenagers are now yelling at their parents for going out.
----
For those of you who missed church on Sunday, and I'm pretty certain that could be you,
here is a recap!
Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke -Dead
The third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What did you learn from this demonstration???
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service .....
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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He
went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of
hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100ŠThe elderly gentleman
went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.
Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again. The gentleman
replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the
conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under
a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and
I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,
the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were
talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it
was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said,
'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought
and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone
you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you
mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned
towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant
we went to last night?'
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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who
insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about
rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,'
he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During
a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might
want to start writing things down to help them remember Later that night,
while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while
I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' '
Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe
you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice-cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with
straw
berries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into
the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and
hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting
married?' 'Yep!' ' Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is
she good in bed?' 'I don't know..'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!'
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Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says,
'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
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A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four
thousand pounds, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the
neighbour . 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.'
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Sexual
An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and
take up Golf. So he puts his name down at the local club.
After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned
down. So he goes down to the club to enquire why.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club ?
Scot: Aye - but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.
Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.
Scot: Aye, - so do I.
Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?
Scot: Aye,- neither do I.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, - I be that.
Secretary: So you are circumcised?
Scot: Aye, - I be that too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel
comfortable with that.
Scot: - Ach, away with ya man.
I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.
And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint
Columbus.
But this is the first time I heard that you have to be a complete prick
to join a golf club.
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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