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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 19.01.20 07:35z 215 Lines 8660 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
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Subj: jokes 19/1
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Sent: 200119/0724Z 14205@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Hoar-frost at night - a sunny day tomorrow.
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"Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish",
An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile.
This year's submissions:
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
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Debating
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Explaining luggage regulations to passengers can be aggravating for flight
attendants. One day a woman tried to board with an enormous bag. The lead
flight attendant told her why it would not fit but the woman argued that
her bag was a carry-on because it had wheels and a handle.
Without blinking the attendant said "My Ford has wheels and a handle but
that doesn't make it a carry-on."
Car
---
Sam and Ruth from Maine had just bought a new car when winter hit with all
its fury. "I wonder if the car has seat warmers" Ruth wondered.
"It sure does" said Sam looking through the owner's manual. "Here it
is...rear defrosters."
Crime Doesn't Pay
-----------------
It's enough to make Al Capone spin in his grave. For every criminal
mastermind there's a jail full of bumblers who practically handcuffed
themselves. Here's a lineup of crooks who prove this point.
TIMOTHY BAKER was back in jail in WacoTexashours after he had escaped
while being held for aggravated robbery. His getaway had taken him to
Baylor university where he broke into a building in order to find a change
of clothes from his orange prison suit. The building was the Finde Arts
Center where Baker raided a costume closet. He apparently thought he would
be inconspicuous if he changed into a 19th-century green wool outfit (with
rubber galoshes) that made him look like a "leprechaun" according to the
Waco sheriff. Baker was spotted on the street and re arrested. Said the
chairman of the theater department "He just really stood out."
ON FATHER'S DAY10-year-old Brian Kline was playing with his father's old
handcuffs (Dad used to be a security agent) and lovingly cuffed himself to
William KlineJr.33. It was a cute little joke until they couldn't find
the key. William called the local police in Des Moines Iowa and they all
had a good laugh as the cops removed the cuffs. Then as is routine police
ran Kline through their data base and discovered two outstanding arrest
warrants. Minutes later the police were back at Kline's home where they
recuffed him with their own handcuffs.
GARY LEE OWENS 42 was arrested on drug charges in Stilwell Kansaseven
though police weren't looking for drugs when they knocked on his door. The
police had received a tip that two fugitives were hiding at the address and since
Owens knew nothing about that he matter-of-factly gave them
permission to search the house. He then added the restriction "everywhere
but the garage." The police naturally decided that this comment was worth a
search warrant and later found the remains of a suspected methamphetamine
lab.
THE CRIMINAL WHO is captured because his tracks lead away from a crime
scene is nothing new. however Albert Jackson Dowdy 22 took incompetence
to a new level. According to police in Grants PassOregonhe tried to
break into a home by smashing a glass door with a paint can but the can
broke open. Paint splattered all over Dowdy's clothes and shoes yet he
traipsed through the house nonetheless leaving stains everywhere. He made
off with two cans of tuna and a box of oatmeal. Before long police tracked
Dowdy to a nearby motel- where he appeared at the door still wearing his
paint-smeared clothes.
IN TULSA OKLAHOM suspected shoplifter Jacob Wise 18 had cleverly
removed security tags from clothes he was allegedly stealing from a store.
But the alarm went off anyway as Wise strolled through the exit door. It
seems he had merely put the removed security tags in his pocket.
REMEMBER THAT CRIME DOESN'T PAY
Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the papal blessing the Nescafe official whispers"Your
eminence we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate
£100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us
this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."
The Pope responds"That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord
It must not be changed."
Well" says the Nescafe man"We anticipated your reluctance. For this
Reason we will increase our offer to £300 million. All we require is that
you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to
Give us this day our daily coffee'."
Again the Pope replies"that my son is impossible. For the prayer is
the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally the Nescafe guy says"Your holiness we at Nescafe respect your
adherence to your faith but we do have one final offer. We will donate
£500 million - that's half a billion quid - to the great Catholic church if
you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily
bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'. Please consider it." And he
leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some
Good news" he announces"and some bad news.... The good news is that
the Church will come into £500 million."
"And the bad news your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Hovis Account."
Late Night Iran Jokes
---------------------
"A retired Air Force colonel said that U.S. military operations are already
under way in Iran. You know what that means time to break out the old
'Mission Accomplished' banner." - Jay Leno
"The president of Iran has announced 'We are a nuclear country.' .. You
know what's scary about that? The president of Iran knows how to pronounce
nuclear." - David Letterman
"The bad news is Iran is capable of making a nuclear bomb. The good news
is they have to drop it from a camel." - David Letterman
"The president of Iran announced that they now have the capacity to enrich
uranium. The Iranian president added 'By the way the girls didn't help at
all.'" - Conan O'Brien
"Iran said they will inflict harm and pain on the United States if we try
to stop their nuclear program. Who's writing their speeches now - Mr. T?"
- Jay Leno
"France and Germany warned Iran this week not to pursue their nuclear
research program. In fact France and Germany warned Iran that if they
didn't stop their program they would, you know warn them again."
- Jay Leno
"The new president of Iraq said that U.S. troops will probably be out of
that country in two years. ... The bad news is they'll be next door in
Iran." - David Letterman
"Russia has agreed to help Iran build a nuclear reactor. Yeah because when
you think well-built nuclear reactor you think Russia" - David Letterman
"The president said today the U.S. does not intend to attack Iran but then
he said quote 'but you never want a president to say never.' And he said if
his position does change he will make that information public in a
time-honored appropriate manner - by leaking it to a gay prostitute."
- Bill Maher
"It's been reported that in the event of an emergency situation with North
Korea the U.S. is prepared to send 708f the Marine Corps to the region.
According to him this will still allow us to send another 70=o
Iran and keep our other 702n Iraq." - Tina Fey
"North Korea announced that they have nuclear weapons and they have no
plans to give them up. The White House acting quickly announced their
plan to invade Iran." - Craig Ferguson
America has warned Iran to stop its nuclear program. They say
stop the nuclear program or face the next step. ... And the next step being
fabrication of evidence and then we march right in." - David Letterman
"An article in last week's New Yorker magazine by reporter Seymour
Hersch who will apparently talk to anyone alleges the Pentagon has been
conducting secret spy missions inside Iran to identify possible targets
.... or a possible full scale invasion. If you are wondering how our
already stretched forces will be able to handle invading Iran as well -
shuttle service will be complimentary." - Jon Stewart
"In the 9-11 commission report they say that it was Iran - not Iraq - that
was helping Al Qaeda. So apparently we invaded the wrong country because of
a typo!" - David Letterman
"There is good news tonight for Ahmed Chalabi. It turns out that all along
he was providing accurate truthful helpful information. Unfortunately it
was to Iran." - Jon Stewart
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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