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GM3YEW > HUMOUR   18.01.20 07:13z 335 Lines 8407 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 14167_GB7YEW
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Subj: jokes 18/1
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<EA2RCF<LU9DCE<N7HPX<N3DWB<KE0GB<GB7YEW
Sent: 200118/0710Z 14167@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18

 As Grandmother used to say 
 
 East wind - it'll rain for a long time.
  
 ------- 
"Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", "To write with a broken pencil is pointless."
 
An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile.
 
A previous year's submissions: 
 
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. 
---------

        The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump died, and goes to Heaven.
 
  He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
 
  However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
 
   St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.  We have
heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up
fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
 
  The test is short, but you have to pass it, before you can get into
Heaven."
 
  Forrest responds, "It shor is good, to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody
ever told me, about any entrance exam.   I   shor hope that the Test ain't
too hard, life was a big enough test, as it was."
 
   St. Peter continued to say, "Yes, I know,   Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
 
  First: What two days of the week, begins with the letter T?
 
  Second: How many seconds, are there, in a year?
 
  Third: What is God's first name?"
 
  Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
 
   He returns the next day, and sees St. Peter, who waved him up, and
said,  "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me
your answers."
 
   Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week,
begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be, Today
and Tomorrow."
 
  The Saint's eyes opened wide, and he exclaimed,  "Forrest, that is not
what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess, I did not
specify, so I will give you credit, for that answer.
 
  How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
 
  "How many seconds in a year?"
 
  Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk, and thunk, about
that, and I guess the only answer, can be twelve.
 
 
  " Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's
name, could you come up, with twelve seconds in a year?"
 
  Forrest replied, "Shucks, there is got to be twelve:   January 2nd,
February 2nd,      March 2nd. ! "
 
  "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and
I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind.....  but I
will have to give you credit, for that one, too.
 
   Let us go on, with the third, and final question.
 
   Can you tell me God's first name"?
 
  "Sure", Forrest replied, "its Andy."
 
   "Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated, and frustrated St. Peter.
 
  "Ok, I can understand, how you came up, with your answers to my first two
questions, but just how in the world, did you come up with, the name Andy,
as the first name of God?"
 
 
  "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied.
 
 
  "I learnt it from the song. .
 
 
  "ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
 
   ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
 
  ANDY TELLS ME, I AM HIS OWN". . .
 
 
  St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said:     "Run Forrest, run."
 
   Give me a sense of humour, Lord, Give me the ability, to understand a
clean joke,  to get some humour, out of life,  And to pass it on, to other
folk.
------
 

A  high school teacher was arrested today at Sydney's Kingsford-Smith 
International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in  possession
of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a  calculator.
 
At the press conference, the Attorney General said he  believes the man
is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. 
 
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the AFP with 
carrying weapons of maths instruction.  
 
'Al-Gebra is a  problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive
solutions by  means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in
search of absolute  values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y"
and refer to  themselves as "unknowns"; but we have determined that they
belong to a  common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in every  country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There
are three  sides to every triangle."  
 
When asked to comment on the  arrest, Federal Opposition Leader Bill
Shorten said, "If God had wanted us  to have better weapons of maths
instruction, He would have given us more  fingers and toes." 
 
Fellow Labor colleagues told reporters  they could not recall a more
intelligent or profound statement by the  Opposition Leader.

 

Lecture
 
-------
 
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and
 
walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a
 
policeman.
 
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
 
"I'm going to a lecture."
 
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
 
"My wife."
 
 
 
 
 
Low-cost Wireless Security System
 
---------------------------------
 
How To install a wireless security system:
 
Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really
 
big pair.
 
Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of "Guns and Ammo"
 
magazine.
 
Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dish.
 
Leave a note on your front door that says something like, "Bubba, big Mike
 
and I done gone to get more ammunition - back in 1/2 hour.
 
Don't disturb the Pitbulls, they've just been wormed.
 
 
 
 
 
Pawnbroker
 
----------
 
King Ozymndias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with
 
the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the
 
most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Crosus,
 
the pawnbroker, to get a loan.
 
Crosus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
 
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. Don't you know
 
who I am? I am the king!"
 
Crosus replied...
 
"When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
 
-------------
 
Slightly Sexual
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

This is a story about 
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear, 
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat. 
 
There is a moral to this story...... 
 
In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream. 
 
The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular, 
 
 
'Gosh...if I go down three inches 
I will feel the mist 
From the water and I will be refreshed.' 
 
There was a fish in the water thinking, 
 
 
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.' 
 
There was a bear on the shore thinking, 
 
 
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches 
 
That fish will jump for the fly... 
 
And I will grab the fish!!' 
 
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank 
 
Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.... 
 
'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches... 
 
And that fish leaps for it... 
 
That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. 
 
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.' 
 
Now, you probably think this is 
 
Enough activity on one river bank, 
 
But I can tell you there's more... 
 
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, 
 
 
'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches... 
 
And that fish jumps for that fly.. 
 
And that bear grabs for that fish.. 
 
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear 
 
And drop his cheese sandwich.' 
 
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, 
 
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of 
This particular river around lunch time) 
 
 
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches.. 
And that fish jumps for that fly 
And that bear grabs for that fish 
And that hunter shoots that bear.. 
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ... 
Then I can have mouse for lunch.' 
 
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he 
Heads down for the cooling mist of the water. 
 
The fish swallows the fly... 
 
The bear grabs the fish.. 
 
 
The hunter shoots the bear.. 
 
 
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... 
 
The cat jumps for the mouse.. 
 
The mouse ducks... 
 
 
The cat falls into the water and drowns. 
 
 
NOW, The Moral Of The Story.... 
 
Whenever a fly goes down three inches, 
 
 
 
Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.
 
 
 

  73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
  
 






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