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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 17.01.20 07:13z 200 Lines 6351 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 14129_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 17/1
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<EA2RCF<LU9DCE<N7HPX<N3DWB<KE0GB<GB7YEW
Sent: 200117/0708Z 14129@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Smokes from chimneys go straight up - the weather will be good
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Peter Kay's Universal Truths:
17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit Wisdom is not
putting it in a fruit salad.
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Toasts
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A guy and a girl are having a drink together in a bar. The man raises his
Glass and says, "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the
Devil knows you're dead!"
"What's that mean?" asks the girl.
"That," answers her date, "is an authentic Irish toast."
"Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."
"Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?"
The girl says, "That's French toast."
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ONE OF THE ADVANTAGES BOWLING HAS OVER GOLF
IS THAT YOU SELDOM LOSE A BOWLING BALL.
- Don Carter
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YOU CAN MAKE A LOT OF MONEY IN THIS GAME. JUST
ASK MY EX-WIVES. BOTH OF THEM ARE SO RICH THAT
NEITHER OF THEIR HUSBANDS WORK. - Lee Trevino
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THE GREAT THING ABOUT STARTING GOLF IN YOUR
FORTIES IS THAT YOU CAN START GOLF IN YOUR
FORTIES. YOU CAN START OTHER THINGS IN YOUR
FORTIES BUT GENERALLY YOUR WIFE MAKES YOU
STOP THEM, AS BILL CLINTON FOUND OUT.
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THERE ARE TWO THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH YOUR
HEAD DOWN - PLAY GOLF AND PRAY.
- Lee Trevino
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A LITTLE GIRL WAS AT HER FIRST GOLF LESSON WHEN
SHE ASKED AN INTERESTING QUESTION:
"IS THE WORD SPELT P-U-T OR P-U-T-T?" SHE ASKED
THE INSTRUCTOR.
"P-U-T-T IS CORRECT," HE REPLIED. "PUT MEANS TO
PLACE A THING WHERE YOU WANT IT. PUTT MEANS
MERELY A VAIN ATTEMPT TO DO THE SAME THING."
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ART SAID HE WANTED TO GET MORE DISTANCE. I TOLD
HIM TO HIT IT AND RUN BACKWARD.
- Ken Venturi, on Art Rosenbaum
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I READ THE GREENS IN SPANISH, BUT PUTT IN ENGLISH.
- Chi Chi Rodriguez
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THE ONLY THING IN MY BAG THAT WORKS IS THE BUG SPRAY.
- Bruce Lansky
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GOLF IS A GAME IN WHICH THE SLOWEST PEOPLE IN
THE WORLD ARE THOSE IN FRONT OF YOU, AND THE
FASTEST ARE THOSE BEHIND.
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I'VE HAD A GOOD ROUND WHEN I DIDN'T FALL OUT OF
THE CART.
- Buddy Hackett
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RELAX? HOW CAN ANYBODY RELAX AND PLAY GOLF? YOU
HAVE TO GRIP THE CLUB, DON'T YOU?
- Ben Hogan
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MY BODY IS HERE, BUT MY MIND HAS ALREADY TEED OFF.
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GOLF IS WHAT YOU PLAY WHEN YOU'RE TOO OUT OF
SHAPE TO PLAY SOFTBALL.
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I FOUND OUT THAT ALL THE IMPORTANT LESSONS OF
LIFE ARE CONTAINED IN THE THREE RULES FOR
ACHIEVING A PERFECT GOLF SWING:
1. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.
2. FOLLOW THROUGH.
3. BE BORN WITH MONEY
Drink
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A salesman for a major cola company returns from his assignment in the
Middle East and reports his assignment was a total failure.
"Tell me what happened," his boss says.
"When I accepted the assignment," replies the salesman, "I was confident I
Could turn a profit for the company there, since it was a brand new market
And no one had ever tried our drink. But once I arrived, I realized that I
Had a problem ... I didn't speak their language."
"So what did you do?" the boss probed.
"I decided to convey our message by using three posters. In the first, I
Showed a man crawling through the desert heat, exhausted and panting with
Thirst. The second poster shows the man having a drink of our cola. The
Final poster showed the man happy and totally refreshed. I had them
Plastered at every corner and in every market I could find."
"That should have worked," the boss chimes in. "Why didn't it?"
"Well," the salesman confesses, "not only did I not speak the language, but
I also didn't realize that most people in the Middle East read from
Right-to-left."
The Ticket
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Sy comes home after his mother's funeral to try to put the place in order.
He goes up to the attic to look around and finds an old trunk.
Looking in it, he discovers his father's WWll uniform.
Sy tries it on and it's a little tight on him.
Before taking it off, he puts his hand in the pocket and comes up with a
Ticket.
Looking at it, he finds a shoe repair ticket for Herman's on West 53rd,
Dated January 14th, 1945.
He can barely believe it. An unclaimed ticket 61years old.
Weeks later, Sy happens to be in the area of West 53rd and wanders over to
See where the shoe repair was.
He can't believe his good luck, the shoe repair store is still there.
He wanders in and tells the story of finding the ticket to the old
Shoemaker.
The man says his name is Herman and has owned the shop for 65 years.
"Gimme the ticket" says Herman and wanders to the back of the shop.
Sy is amazed.
What good fortune!
What a coincidence!
Only in America!
Herman comes back.
"I've still got your shoes. They'll be done Friday!"
Jury
----
At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women:
Defendant: "Your Honour, I wish to change my plea."
Judge: "Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to change your
mind?"
Defendant: "No sir, when I pled 'Not Guilty' I didn't know there would be
women on the jury. Since I can't even fool my wife, I'll never be able to
fool the four women jurors."
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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