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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 16.01.20 07:09z 188 Lines 5417 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 14090_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 16/1
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<ON0AR<GB7CIP<N7HPX<N3DWB<KE0GB<GB7YEW
Sent: 200116/0704Z 14090@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
No weather's ill if the wind be still.
----
Peter Kay's Universal Truths:
16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin
piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
------
Snake Glasses
-------------
An old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I
Can't see very well these days."
The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2
Weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
The doctor says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a
Water hose the past 2 years."
Naturally Born
--------------
An eighth grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for
Being president of the United States.
After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural-born citizen,
One of the students raised her hand.
"Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can't
Be president?"
Terrorists
----------
Hassan Nasrallah, the radical Shiite Islamist Cleric and leader of the
Hizbullah terrorist organization, having boasted falsely about yet another
Arab defeat while fighting Israel over this past summer, is making power
Plays. He's also making himself out to be the butt of some good jokes while
he's at it. Here are some current Middle Eastern jokes. Enjoy!
Three Hezbollah fighters run out of Beirut's southern suburbs after Israeli
Raids, flashing the victory sign. Actually, no. They were really pointing
Out that there were only two buildings left standing.
During the Summer 2006 Hizbullah-Israel War, early one day, a man in South
Lebanon rushed desperately to the dentist. "Please take out my bridge, or
The Israelis will bomb it!"
Q: Why did rents go up in Ain el-Rummaneh district overlooking the
Southern suburbs?
A: Because it has a sea view now!
Q: Why are coquettish elderly Lebanese women very happy about the war?
A: Because it took them back 30 years.
After Saudi Arabia decided to donate half a billion dollars to rebuild
Lebanon, Hosni Mubarak, the Egyptian president, ordered the capture of six
Israeli soldiers at the border.
Amid a mass evacuation of foreign nationals from Lebanon, Palestinian
Refugees who have been stranded in Lebanon for nearly 60 years are
Ecstatic: The Palestinian Authority has decided to evacuate its nationals
As well.
And in a country that has repeatedly been invaded by Israel, the one joke
Everyone likes to tell remains:
An Israeli recently arrives at London's Heathrow airport. As he fills out
A form, the customs officer asks him: "Occupation?"
The Israeli promptly replies: "No, just visiting!"
Q: Why will Hassan Nasrallah, the Hezbollah chief, win the Nobel Prize for
Education?
A: Because he is the only man who sent one million people to school in
Just two days ... And in the middle of summer!
Credit
------
Firms keep going out of their way to give me credit. For that, I'm deeply
Indebted.
Movie Seats
-----------
After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went
Inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served,
The previews were being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat
Down, and gave my girlfriend a kiss.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."
War
---
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit
Acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
--Ellen Key
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique
Recommended in all the latest psychological journals.
The funny thing is that it really does work.
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out
Over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running
Water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a
Cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face
Of the person you are holding underwater.
See? It really does work. You're smiling already.
--------
An attractive young woman on a plane asked the priest
Beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer
That is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid
They'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry
It through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you:
I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question
you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead
of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to
declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have
nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked,
"And what do you have to declare from your waist to
the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be
used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead,
Father. Next!"
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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