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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 19.11.19 08:44z 211 Lines 6151 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 11362_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 19/11
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<IW0QNL<JH4XSY<JE7YGF<N9PMO<GB7YEW
Sent: 191119/0839Z 11362@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
If the leafs are turning up, a storm is brewing!
-----
Things To Make You Ponder
16. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
People
------
"In a recent poll, one in four people said they'd donate a kidney to a
Complete stranger. Yeah, sure... 908f people won't even let a stranger
Merge in traffic!"
Exercise
--------
My friend Tom said he stopped watching golf on TV. His doctor recommended
That he get more exercise. So now he watches tennis.
Driving
-------
"I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me, "What do you do at a red
Light?"
I said, "I don't know, look around, listen to the radio"
Honour
------
I prefer the "u" in honour, as it seems to be missing these days....
Bizarre Abraham Lincoln Facts
-----------------------------
During the 1860 Republican National Convention, his campaign managers
Forged convention passes in order to pack the galleries with Lincoln
Supporters, shutting out hundreds of his opponent's supporters in the
Process.
Lincoln hated being called "Abe" - friends called him Lincoln.
Although Lincoln's voice is often portrayed in movies as being deep and
Booming, his actual voice was high-pitched, piercing and shrill.
Lincoln wasn't always honest: After one trip to Springfield, Illinois, he
Filed for compensation for the 3,252 miles he claimed to have traveled. The
Actual length of the trip was 1,800 miles.
He really did carry important documents in his stovepipe hat.
About a week before his assassination, Lincoln had a dream in which he
"awoke" to the sound of sobbing and went to the East Room of the White
House - which had been prepared for a funeral. When he asked a guard who
Had died, he replied: "The President."
Seagull
---------------------------------------------------
SUNDSVALL, Sweden - A seagull in Sweden thought to be under the weather was
Actually just under the influence. Veterinarians in Sundsvall thought the
Bird flu virus had made its way to Sweden after recent reports of sick
Poultry in other parts of Europe. They found the gull with yellow liquid
Coming out of its beak and anus, The Local reports. The seagull was on its
Back and kicking its legs. Lab results showed that the seagull, which was
Put to sleep, was actually drunk. Experts believe the bird ate yeast at a
Garbage dump.
---------------------------------------------------
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to fill
Their days. I went to the store the other day. I was only there for
About 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing a parking
Ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a Senior
Citizen a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
Tyres.
I called him a piece of dog filth. He finished the second
Ticket with a flourish and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 10
Minutes.
The more I verbally abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's
Important at my age
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Coroner's Report
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
Coroner tells the Inspector:
"First body: A Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence
the enormous smile."
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on
whisky, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Danny Earl, the Irishman, 30,
struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
-------------
Material of a sexual nature follows
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress..
A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought
a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed
all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the
shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded
sign for the same circus and
The same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered
The coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But ! I have to know something.
You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?
''Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'
-------------
The mother of a17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was
having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's
status, she consulted the
Family doctor.
The doc tor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.
He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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