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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 18.11.19 06:53z 229 Lines 8461 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
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As Grandmother used to say
Burning wood pops more before rain and snow
--------
Things To Make You Ponder
15. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
-------
>From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes
a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood
tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar
so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the
officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his
keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the
bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on
and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off,
tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then
remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly
down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up
the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over
and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer
indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me
to the Police station this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
True story...
-------------
Pancakes
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather
small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed
him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large stack of warm pan cakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied . 'The rest are for your father.
--------------------
What an interesting concept!
Here's how to fight back! Tips for Handling Telemarketers Three Little Words
That Work !
(1)The three little words are: "Hold On please..." Saying this, while
Putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately)
Would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler
Room sales would grind to a halt.
Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you
Know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently
Completed its task. These three little words will help eliminate telephone
Soliciting.
(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and
Records the time of day when a person answers the phone. This technique is
Used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call
Back and get someone at home. What you can do after answering, if you notice
There is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the
Phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible This confuses the machine that
Dialled the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a
Shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!
(3) Junk Mail Help: When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility
Bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw
Their own junk mail away. When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the
Mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type
Junk, do not throw away the return envelope. Most of these come with
Postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular
24p postage "IF" and when they receive them back. It costs them nothing if
You throw them away! The postage was around 29p before the last increase and
It is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your
Other junk mail and put it in their postage-paid return envelopes. For
Example; send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express.
Send a pizza coupon to Citibank.
If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank
Application back! If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name
Isn't on anything you send them. You can even send the envelope back empty
If you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 24p. The
Banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own
Junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them
Know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying
For it...Twice!
Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is
Cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase
Postage costs again. You get the idea ?
If enough people follow these tips, it may work !
THIS JUST MIGHT BE ONE E-MAIL THAT YOU WILL WANT TO FORWARD
A breathtakingly, beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural
Pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her
Immediately. Seductively, she signaled that he should bring his face closer
to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck
them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper
towels in the ladies
room."
Sexual content and Bad language .............
Seniors Fishing Trip
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since
both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his
fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the
gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden
the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to
the man right there in the boat!
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he
had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while
and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in
the river.
He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?" There she went again, stripped off
her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really
impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the
next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat
when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up
or down ?"
The woman replied, "Down." A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river
and he asked the lady," Up or down ?" She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday,
every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate
love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought
the choices were 'f*** or drown.'"
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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