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GM3YEW > HUMOUR   18.09.19 06:14z 220 Lines 7310 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 8972_GB7YEW
Subj: Jokes 18/9
Sent: 190918/0559Z 8972@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18

As Grandmother used to say 
 If frogs make a noise at the time of cold rain, warm dry weather will follow

These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were 
spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!

Q.Paul, why do Hell's Angels (rough/tough bikers) wear leather
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


In evidence the court heard that a fracas had broken out at a site meeting
Which had been attended by various officials, councilors, local residents and
Spokesmen for an industrial development which was being proposed close to a
Residential area. The proposed development had been the source of controversy
For months, and had been accompanied by demonstrations, petitions, and
deputation''s. There had been heated debates at the local council, and opinion
Locally had been divided between those who saw economic advantages in the
Proposal development and those who were concerned with the social and
Environmental impact. Tempers had frayed at the meeting on the street and the
Upshot of it all was a bout of fisticuffs in which several of the combatants
Had been injured, some of them suffering black eyes.
"What you might call", said the RM "A site for sore eyes."
I didn't even know I was the loudest cereal eater in the world until I got married.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You're not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*


A good looking man walked into an agent's office in  Hollywood and said
 'I want to be a movie star.' 
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. 
The agent asked, 'What's your name?'
The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.' 
The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into  Hollywood ,
you are going to have to change your name.' 
'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old,  I will
not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.' 
The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in  Hollywood for will NEVER
go far in  Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian!  I'm telling   you, you
will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.' 
'So be it!  I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the
agent's office. 
FIVE YEARS LATER... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. 
Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck,
who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed... 
'Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in
Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it
with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in
Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought
about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had
too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would
never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token
of my appreciation. 
Thank you for your advice.
Dick van Dyke

Six Truths in Life
1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time,
a physical impossibility.
2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.
3. And discover #1 is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There is still a stupid smile on your face ..
I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company. You now have
2 options...delete it, or send it along to put a smile on someone's face today
There had been much concern lately about binge drinking. It seems now that
Anyone who drinks four pints at a sitting is defined as a "binge" drinker. In
The old days a binge drinker was someone who went on the tear on a Friday
Evening and sobered up in Galway on a Tuesday morning.

Smokers here fearing that a smoking ban is in the offing have sought to enlist
The good offices of the Pope, who is said to enjoy the odd puff on a cigarette.
Vending machines sell twenty cigarette packets but the rip-off is that they
Only contain sixteen cigarettes. Some enterprising manufacturer should come up
With a brand for the machines, and call them Benedict XV1s.


Airports always advise travellers to show up at airports at least two hours
Before their flight. Recent tightening of security can mean that an even longer
Period may be necessary. Now the Dublin Airport Agency has blamed congestion at
The airport on people who arrive too early for their flight.


The NHS is now reported to be in the business of helping people to buy a dog,
In the belief that having a pet may improve their health and well being so that
The Service may save money in the long run.
Then again, the NHS has being going to the dogs for years.

A Tornado hit Birmingham recently causing widespread damage.
Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly saying 'bang out of
Order,  'mental' and 'that did my head in'.
The Tornado decimated the area causing in excess of £7.55 worth
Of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Ibiza and Corfu
Were damaged beyond repair.
Three preserved areas of historic burned out cars were
Many locals were woken before their Giro's arrived.
One resident, Tracey Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of four
Said  'It was such a shock, little Chardonnay-Leigh came running into
My  bedroom crying, and my hands were shaking that much I could
Hardly  skin up whilst I was watching Trisha'.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to send 4000 crates of
Sunny  Delight to the area to help with the crisis. Rescue workers are
Still searching through the rubble and have found numerous 'Elizabeth
Duke'  sovereigns, benefit books, bone China from Poundstretcher and
Argos  catalogues.
However they have not managed to save any furniture from Crazy
George's as yet.
How can you help?
This appeal hopes to raise money for food and clothing parcels
For  those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster.
Clothing is most sought after.
Urgently needed are LaCoste tracksuits (his and hers
Preferably),  white socks, Burberry caps, woolly Benny hats and Reebok
Food parcels are also needed.
They include McCain's Micro-chips, Aldi Beans, Monster Munch
And  Iceland Pizzas.
Alcohol is also in short supply, especially White Lightening
Cider and  Carlsberg Special Brew.
Cash Donations are also needed. 22p buys a Bic Biro for signing
On,  £2.50 buys a jumbo sausage dinner, £3.00 buys a blag CD (not an
Original copy), £20 buys a fake M.O.T (or 10 gallons of red
Diesel to  burn the vehicle  out)  and £26.00 buys 200 Regal from Tommo
Who has just got back from Kavos.

 73 de dave


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