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GM3YEW > HUMOUR   15.09.19 07:02z 225 Lines 7365 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 8828_GB7YEW
Subj: Jokes 15/9
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<UA6ADV<VE2PKT<ZL2BAU<N9PMO<GB7YEW
Sent: 190915/0658Z @:GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO #:8828 LinBPQ6.0.18

 
 
 As Grandmother used to say 
 
 If the moon rises with a halo round, soon we'll tread on deluged ground
-------
 
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares'
game show 
responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!
 
 
 
Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older
 
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
 
More tomorrow
 
-----
 
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread
gossip.
 
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
 
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you
know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
 
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a
little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
 
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's
take a moment to filter what you're going
to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you
are about to tell me is true?"
 
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
 
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now
let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness.
Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
 
"No, on the contrary..."
 
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that
may be bad, even though you're not certain
it's true?"
 
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass
the test though, because there is a third filter,
the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to
be useful to me?"
 
"No, not really."
 
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor
Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or
anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a
great philosopher and held in such high
esteem.
 
 
 
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was screwing his
wife.
 
------
 
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT
GETTING  MARRIED 
 
 Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in 
the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' 
 
They stopped after I started doing the  same thing to them at funerals. 
 
 
---------
 
A YOUNG MAN CALLED PETER INVITED HIS MOTHER FOR
DINNER. DURING THE COURSE OF  THE MEAL, HIS MOTHER
COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE HOW BEAUTIFUL PETER'S 
FLATMATE WAS.
 
SHE HAD LONG BEEN SUSPICIOUS OF A RELATIONSHIP
BETWEEN THE  TWO, AND THIS ONLY MADE HER MORE
CURIOUS.
 
OVER THE COURSE OF THE  EVENING, WHILE WATCHING
THE TWO INTERACT, SHE STARTED TO WONDER IF THERE 
WAS MORE BETWEEN PETER AND HIS FLATMATE THAN
MET THE EYE.
 
READING HIS MUM'S THOUGHTS, PETER VOLUNTEERED, 
KNOW WHAT YOU MUST BE THINKING, BUT I ASSURE YOU,
JULIE & I ARE JUST FLATMATES AND FRIENDS.
 
ABOUT A WEEK LATER, JULIE CAME TO PETER SAYING, EVER
SINCE YOUR MOTHER CAME TO DINNER, I'VE BEEN UNABLE
TO FIND THE FRYING PAN, YOU DON'T SUPPOSE  SHE TOOK
IT DO YOU? WELL, I DOUBT IT, BUT I'LL E-MAIL HER JUST
TO BE SURE, SAID PETER, SO HE SAT DOWN AND WROTE:
 
DEAR  MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU TOOK THE FRYING PAN FROM MY
HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU  DID NOT TAKE THE FRYING
PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT  HAS BEEN MISSING EVER
SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PETER
 
SEVERAL  DAYS LATER, PETER RECEIVED AN E-MAIL FROM HIS
MOTHER WHICH READ:
 
DEAR  SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU SLEEP WITH JULIE, AND I'M NOT
SAYING THAT YOU DO NOT SLEEP WITH JULIE, BUT THE FACT
REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN  HER OWN BED, SHE
WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.
LOVE MUM
 
------------
 
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.  She was a
very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very
little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a
ranchhand. 
 
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. 
 
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around
the house than the drunk. 
 
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching. 
 
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. 
 
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.  You should go into
town and kick up your heels.' 
 
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. 
 
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no
hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering
the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a
glass of wine, waiting for him. 
 
She quietly called him over to her. 
 
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. 
 
Trembling, he did as she directed. 
 
'Now take off my boots.' 
 
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 
 
'Now take off my socks.' 
 
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 
 
'Now take off my skirt.' 
 
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 
 
'Now take off my bra.and pnties' 
 
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped them to
the floor. 
 
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into
town again, you're fired.' 
 
  --------------
 
 
 
 Theft Problem IMPORTANT MESSAGE:
 
 
You've heard about people who have been abducted and had
Their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years
Ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just
That quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose
Thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer
Looking for my thighs.
Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my
Life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.
My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they
Took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with
Earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than
My original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favour of long
Skirts.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One
Morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my
Upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was
Really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time.
What could they do to me next?
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a
Turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and
smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement
body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has
something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX.
This is happening to women everywhere every night.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P.S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed 
 and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see 
 that they had just been hiding in my armpits
as I slept.. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
 
 
 
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
  
  
 


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