GM3YEW > HUMOUR 14.09.19 07:48z 231 Lines 5675 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 8749_GB7YEW
Subj: Jokes 14/9
Sent: 190914/0740Z 8749@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
September dries up wells or breaks down bridges
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses
were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!
Q.According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay
to come out and ask him if he's married
A.. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Billy Bob's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident
and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for
nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no
longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl.
The babies are fine and your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother...
he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,
"Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," says the doctor.
The new mother says, "Wow, that's a beautiful name!
I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise."
Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"
From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes
a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood
tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar
so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the
officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his
keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the
bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on
and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off,
tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then
remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly
down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up
the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over
and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer
indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me
to the Police station this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
A lady went into a pet shop. "I'd like to buy two canaries" she told the
"We don't have any canaries but we have these" the owner said. He showed
The lady some pale green parakeets.
"That's not what I'm looking for" the lady stated. "Canaries are yellow.
I want yellow canaries!"
But the pet store owner refused to give up. "Just think of them as yellow
Canaries that aren't quite ripe yet" he said.
Teenagers are people who express a burning desire to be different by
Dressing exactly alike.
A kleptomaniac woman had been caught shoplifting in a supermarket and had
To appear in court taking along her long-suffering husband for marital
The prosecution proved that the theft had taken place so the judge told her
That considering her record he was forced to impose a jail term.
"This time you stole a can of tomatoes. Let us suppose that there were six
Tomatoes in the can. Do you agree?"
The woman agreed.
"Then I sentence you to six nights in jail."
The husband jumped to his feet addressing the judge"Your honour may I
Approach the bench?"
"Well" said his honour this is somewhat unusual but I will make an
Exception in this case. You may approach the bench."
The husband wasted no time getting there and leaning forward he
Whispered "She also stole a can of peas."
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler at every
Stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab run back and bang on the
Trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the
Motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.
When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out
And started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and
Said"I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"
To which the trucker replied "sorry can't talk now I have 20 tons of
Canaries and a 10 ton limit I have to keep half of them in the air all the
Sign On The Wall Of An Estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
- Sisters of Mercy."
I've heard that the government is planning on taxing the mathematically
Illiterate. Wait!! Isn't that called the lottery?
A scoutmaster and his wife were driving along a rural highway when they
Found the road blocked by a herd of cows that had escaped through a broken
The scoutmaster tried beeping his horn to scare the cattle from the
Pavement but to no avail. For some reason no sound was heard. He got out
Of the car lifted the hood and saw the problem a loose wire which he
As he got back into the car his wife asked him if he'd had any luck.
"Yep" he replied "beep repaired!"
73 de dave
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