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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 20.07.19 06:27z 284 Lines 9562 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 5871_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 20/7
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0GOS<ON0AR<VE2PKT<ZL2BAU<GB7YEW
Sent: 190720/0624Z 5871@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Rain before seven, fine before eleven
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged to
utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the youthful
mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
-- George Bernard Shaw
---
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
-------
The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to devise
and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
-- Lew Mammel, Jr.
---
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children
When the four-year-old son ran up to him,
Grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
Where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
----------
Dog Stop
--------
Two dogs were walking down the street. The one dog says to the other "Wait here
a minute I'll be right back." He walks across the street and Sniffs this fire hydrant for
about a minute then walks back across the street.
The other dog says"What was that about?"
The first dog says"I was just checking my messages."
-----
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of
Their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God
Works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So
You're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
Should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign
From God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
Completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
Wants us to drink this wine, celebrate our good fortune and see where the evening
Leads."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,
Opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The
Woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back
To the man The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police....
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, . Don't mess with them
-------------
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new
wives duties to perform.
Terry had married a woman from America and bragged that he had told his new
wife to do the dishes and all the cleaning in the house. He said it took a couple
of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes
were washed and put away.
James had married a woman from Australia and bragged that he had given his
new wife orders to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told them
the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better and by the
third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the
table.
The third man said that he had married a Scottish girl... He boasted that the duties
he had ordered her to do were to keep the house clean, the dishes washed, lawn
mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day.
He said the first day he didn't see anything,
The second day he didn't see anything,
But by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
bit out of his left eye. Enough to make himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher
and call a gardener.
-------------
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't
concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they
gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it
was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just
didn't have the thyme.
6. I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on
my net income.
11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,
but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Centre, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work! I finally got a job as a
Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was
always the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR
THE JOB!
------------
Minor sexual content :-
A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Lake Worth, Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his
blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. 'Hello, sir, how
are you today?
'Fine, thank you,' he responded, and turned back to his book.
'I love the beach. Do you come here often?' she asked 'First time since my
wife passed away 2 years ago,' he replied and turned back to his book.
'I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very
lonely' she countered. ‘Do you live around here?' she asked.
'Yes, I live over in Delray Beach,' he answered and again resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, 'Do you like pussy cats?'
With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to her,
tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, 'How
did you know that was what I wanted?'
The man replied, 'How did you know my name was Katz?'
---------
THIS IS A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH READ IT CAREFULLY & SHARE IT !!!!
This is from Dr. Geetha Krishnaswamy, Please give your 2 minutes and read this:
1. Letâ€Ös say itâ€Ös 7.25pm and youâ€Öre going home (alone of course) after an unusually hard day on the job.
2. Youâ€Öre really tired, upset and frustrated.
3 Suddenly you start experiencing severe pain in your chest that starts to drag out into
your arm and up in to your jaw. You are only about five km from the hospital nearest
your home.
4. Unfortunately you donâ€Öt know if youâ€Öll be able to make it that far.
5. You have been trained in CPR, but the guy who taught the course did not tell you
how to perform it on yourself.
6. HOW TO SURVIVE A HEART ATTACK WHEN ALONE? Since many people
are alone when they suffer a heart attack without help, the person whose heart is beating
improperly and who begins to feel faint, has only about 10 seconds left before losing consciousness.
7. However, these victims can help themselves by coughing repeatedly and very
vigorously. A deep breath should be taken before each cough, and the cough must be
deep and prolonged, as when producing sputum from deep inside the chest. A breath and
a cough must be repeated about every two seconds without let-up until help arrives, or
until the heart is felt to be beating normally again.
8. Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing movements squeeze the heart and
keep the blood circulating. The squeezing pressure on the heart also helps it regain normal
rhythm. In this way, heart attack victims can get to a hospital.
9. Tell as many other people as possible about this. It could save their lives!!
10. A cardiologist says If everyone who gets this mail kindly sends it to 10 people, you can
bet that weâ€Öll save at least one life.
11. Rather than sending jokes, please... contribute by forwarding this mail which can save a
personâ€Ös life.
12. If this message comes around you... more than once… please donâ€Öt get irritated...
You should instead, be happy that you have many friends who care about you & keeps
reminding you how to deal with a Heart attack. on your FB wall, without comment, only
a heart, then send this message to your contacts
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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