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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 19.07.19 06:21z 274 Lines 7903 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 5812_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 19/7
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0GOS<ON0AR<VE2PKT<N9PMO<KM8V<
GB7YEW
Sent: 190719/0615Z 5812@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Vows made in storms are forgotten in calms
--------
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that
is not being talked about.
-- Oscar Wilde
--
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
--
Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to be
appointed to do the work.
---
A man was beaten up by robbers on a
road to London. He lay there, half
dead and in bad shape. A Vicar came
along, saw him and passed by on the
other side. Next, a monk came by but
also walked quickly on the other side.
Finally, a social worker came along,
looked at the man and said "Whoever
did this needs help!"
Viking
------
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name
Missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the
Local civic official who apologized profusely saying ...
"I must have taken Leif off my census."
-----
What did the Zen Buddhist
Monk say to the Hotdog Vender?...
Make me One with everything.
-------
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other,
And then throws the milk away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters
Of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
Debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four
Cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells
The rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one
More.You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
You with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and blockade the roads,
Because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
Produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image
Called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years,
They eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the true situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
-------------
We live in a small town where we have a volunteer Ambulance Company.
We are blessed with many dedicated and fully qualified attendants, who staff
Our ambulances and give freely of themselves. I was chatting with one of the
EMS responders one day and she could hardly stifle a chuckle, so I asked her
What was so funny and she told me this story...
It seems that she had gone to an automobile accident and was checking
A patient who was lying on the road for injuries. As she knelt beside
Him and probed him, she asked, "Does this hurt or does that hurt?"
After each probe, he replied, "No." When she had nearly completed
Her examination, she shifted to a better spot from which to finish
The examination when after one of her probing questions, he exclaimed
Very loudly, "That hurts!"
When she asked where, he looked up at her with a look of real pain on
His face and said, "You're kneeling on my fingers!"
-------------
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her
Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write
to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye
put yer old Mother thru?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'
'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this
Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title
deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a £5 million savings certificate. For me little
brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited
edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club...
...................... (takes a breath).............. And an invitation for ye all to spend New
Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ...'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.'
---------
Sort of sexual -
JACK AND JILL
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side "When
I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was
take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told
her to put them on . When she did, they were enormous on her and she
said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too
large. "I told her, "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in
this family and I always will. "Ever since that day, we have never had
a single problem."
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got
Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his
trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said
that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
"Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and
I always will. I don't want you to forget that." Jill paused and
removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said,
so he tried them on but they were too small. "I can't possibly get
into your knickers," said Jack. "Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you
don't change your attitude, you never will."
Go Jill !!!!!!!!!!!!
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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