| |
GM3YEW > HUMOUR 25.05.19 07:23z 245 Lines 8353 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 2831_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 25/5
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0GOS<ON0AR<GB7CIP<GB7BEX<GB7YEW
Sent: 190525/0720Z 2831@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Rain, Rain, go away, come back another day
------
A little boy was roughhousing with his dog. His mother said to him,
"Now, Peter, I know you love Granger, but you're loving him too much.
How would you feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so
hard you couldn't breathe?"
The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was
my birthday and Aunt Doreen was here!"
--------------
As They Get Old...
------------------
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
Old garage men never die, they just retire.
Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
Old investors never die, they just roll over.
Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
Old pacifists never die, they just go to pieces.
Old professors never die, they just lose their class.
Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....
Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
Old skate boarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
Old steel makers never die, they just lose their temper.
Old students never die, they just get degraded.
Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics,
but their future is doubtful.
-------------
A nice calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy walked up to the
Pharmacist looked straight into his eye sand said' I would like to buy
Some cyanide.' The pharmacist asked 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied' I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed 'Lord have mercy! I can't
Give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my
License! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will
Happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
Bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied"Well now that's
Different... .. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
------------------
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter
met her at the Pearly Gates.
"I'm sorry," St Peter said; "But Heaven is suffering from an overload of
goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new
arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals."
"That's cool" said the blonde, "What does the Entrance Exam consist of?"
"Just three questions" said St Peter.
"Which are?' asked the blonde.
"The first," said St Peter, "is, which two days of the week start with the
letter 'T' "?
The second is "How many seconds are there in a year?"
The third is "What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
"Now," said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions and when I
call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable
thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had
considered the questions, to which she replied, "I have."
"Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the
letter T?"
The blonde said, "Today and Tomorrow."
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the
answer can be applied to the question.
"Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?"
St Peter went on, "how many seconds in a year?"
The Blonde replied, "Twelve!"
"Only twelve?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure?"
"Easy," said the blonde, "there's the second of January, the second of
February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve
seconds."
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, "I need some time to consider your
answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his
head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. "I'll allow the answer
to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely
correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the
name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
The blonde replied: "Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to
answer."
"Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer?"
"It's Andy."
"Andy??"
"Yes, Andy," said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating
the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning
to the blonde, asked "How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?"
"Easy" said the blonde, "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his Billy
boiled."
And the blonde entered Heaven...
-----------------
Sexual content -
Skinny little white guy goes into a lift, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy
standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says:
7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'
The little guy faints and falls to the floor
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What did you say to me?'
The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the
answers to the questions everyone always asks me.....
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh
3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'
The small guy says: 'Turner Brown ! ... Thank God, I thought you said, 'Turn around'.
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
Read previous mail | Read next mail
| |
