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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 24.05.19 06:13z 270 Lines 10858 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 2789_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 24/5
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<EA2RCF<ZL2BAU<GB7YEW
Sent: 190524/0607Z 2789@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Although the Sun May Shine, Leave Not Thy Cloak at Home
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Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a Celebrity,
Get Me Out of Here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a
dead beatle for the last thirty years.
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Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and
stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and
realised she was just on standby.
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A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his
Mouth. The dentist examines him and says"That new upper plate I
Put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replies"All I can think of is that about four months ago my
Wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...
Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything ---
Meat toast fish vegetables everything." "Well" says the dentist"that's probably
The problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of
Lemon juice which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper
Plate. I'll make you a new plate and this time use chrome." "Why
Chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies"It's simple.
Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
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There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new
chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known
world that he was searching for a chief.
A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding
position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate
why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a
matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword.
The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.
The emperor exclaimed, “That is very impressive!“The emperor then
issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and
demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also
opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh.
The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, “That is very impressive!”
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to
demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai
opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went
Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, “Very ambitious, but why
is that gnat not dead?”
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, “Circumcision is not meant
to kill.”
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I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a
turtle disaster.
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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?'
I said, 'No, permanent.'
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said,
'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today and it said on the packet.
'Best before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said
'No, just a watch.'
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The
bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said,
'You've got cholera.'
---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember
his name, its P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it
down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today but the bloke who answered
just went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary
work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is
for the custard.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me...'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me
on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition but I'm not promising you anything.'
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside
my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first'
He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again
to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made
me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and
asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a
couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've
been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said,
'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
--------------------------------
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just
wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We
just tell them straight out that they're going to die..'
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sexual
Sort of sexual - Ladies on the list - sorry !
We started to "bud" into our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find out
That anything that came in contact with those tender blooming buds hurt
So bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable
Training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had
Calluses on our backs. Next we get our periods in our early to mid-teens
(or sooner). Along with those budding boobs we bloated we cramped we
Got the hormone crankieshad to wear little mattresses between our legs
Or insert tubular packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we
Had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the
First time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your
Uterus through your nostrils leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was
About.
Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and
Water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over
Brother John. Of course amazing creatures that we are (and we are)we
Learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking
Our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have
Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies looked like we had swallowed a
Watermelon whole and we peed our pants every time we sneezed. When the big
Moment arrived the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst
Right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle with our big cartoon
Feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it was huff and puff and
Beg to die while the OB says"Please stop screamingMrs. Jones.
Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)" warranting a
Strong well-deserved impulse to punch the OB and hubby square in the face
For making us cram a wiggling mushroom-headed 10 lb bowling ball through
A keyhole.
After that it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all
That "cute" wears off the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking jabbering
Wet gooey snot-blowing life-sucking little poop machines.
Then... Come their teen years. Need I say more? When the kids are almost
Grown we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while
Hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday and is now all but null
And void.
So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause" the Grandmother of
All womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now
Seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions or sweat like a
Pig wash your sheets and pillow cases daily and bite the head off
Anything that moves.
Now you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off
So easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods
Without soaking their socks.
so while I love being a woman"Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a
Tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"?
Yeah right. Bite me.
Send this to seven bright women you know and make their day!!! Or at least
make them laugh a little.. But not too hard or they may pee their panties.
The Seven Dwarfs of Menopause: Itchy Bitchy Sweaty Sleepy Bloated Forgetful and Psycho
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A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag.
I'll have nothing left to live for.'
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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