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GM3YEW > HUMOR 17.09.21 06:25z 307 Lines 10031 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 26084_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 17/9
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IW0QNL<ON0AR<DB0RES<PI8CDR<PE2V<PI8BDG<PE1RRR<W0ARP<
AL0Y<GB7YEW
Sent: 210917/0609Z 26084@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
The louder the frog, the more the rain
---
1) It's been a great blessing to be at home with my wife these last few
months. We've caught up on everything I've done wrong in the last 20
years.
thanks Colin
--
Palm Reading ;-
You're growing out of some of your problems, but there are others that
you're
growing into.
---
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood
Squares' game show responses were
spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!
Q.As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
while talking
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll
give you a gesture you'll never forget.
-----
Last 10 pence
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....
The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts
slapping him on the back..
The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,
neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her
way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold
of the boys' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever
so firmly.. Tighter and tighter !!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last
of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father
and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do
anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
'No,' the woman replied.
I'm with the Inland Revenue..'
---------
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.
He is not
normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He
didn't even
remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he
wondered
if he did something wrong.
He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a
couple of aspirins
next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single
red rose!!
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and
pressed! He looks
around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest
of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in
the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the
mirror
written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in
lipstick: 'Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you
your favourite
dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot
coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son.what
happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell
over the coffee
table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that
black eye when you
ran into the door.'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order
and so clean?
I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to
take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the Right thing, at the Right time:
PRICELESS
-------------
Summer Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Saturday, October 8th.2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8
PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding
The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures
and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And
Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other
Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to
the survivors.
-------------
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The
Horse's' trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to
remember
With this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout,
'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that,
You'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The
Race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the
Trainer's' ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the
centre
Of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle.
The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear.
The same thing happens-the horse crashes straight through the centre of the
Jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do
It" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly.
Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This
continues for
The rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only
finishes
Third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.
The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me-it's this silly horse.
What is he
-- deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf-he's BLIND!"
---------
A World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is walking down
The High St. One day when he spots an advert in his local record shop for
"Wasp sounds from around the Globe". On further enquiry he discovers that a
Vinyl recording of this subject has just been released and a few copies are
Available in store there and then.
Naturally, being a World renowned expert in the sounds of European
Wasps he is curious and asks the young chap behind the counter if he
Can have a listen to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".
A few seconds later the World renowned expert in the sounds of European
Wasps is standing at one of those little sound stations with his
Earphones on and a puzzled expression on his face. He removes the
Headphones, walks back to the counter and catches the young sales persons
Attention. "Excuse me" he says, "I'm A World renowned expert in the
sounds of European
Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the
Globe", and must say, there appears to be some mistake. Those are no Wasp
Sounds with which I am familiar".
The young man dutifully checks the recording in question and assures
The World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps that he is
Indeed listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".Puzzled, the World
Renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps
Returns to the headphones and once again begins to listen. After a few
Seconds he once again returns to the counter and accosts the young fellow
There. "Excuse me" he says, "As I mentioned before, I am a World renowned
Expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp
Sounds from around the Globe" and I have to say again, those are no Wasp
Sounds with which I am familiar. Are you certain I have been listening to
The correct recording?" Slightly exasperated by now, the young man checks
The disc currently playing and with a slightly sheepish grin confesses:
"Oops, sorry Sir, I seem to have played you the Bee side"
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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