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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 27.04.19 05:03z 290 Lines 11266 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 32334_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 27/4
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<WA7V<CX2SA<N9PMO<NS2B<VA7RBP<GB7YEW
Sent: 190427/0456Z 32334@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Sweet April showers do Spring May flowers
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Lines You See And Hear Everyday, To Be Taken With A Grain Of Salt!
------------------------------------------------------------------
For a limited time only
[As long as supply lasts or until the law catches up with us, whichever
comes first]
Not available in any store
[We wouldn't sell any of this rubbish if you could actually see it before
you pulled out your wallet]
Must be 18 or older
[this really attracts our 13 year old target audience]
Lifetime Guarantee
[the life of the product. What - did you think we meant your lifetime??]
Call now and be one of the first 50 customers
[or the next 50 or the next 50 or]
Just for ordering <our product> you will get this special widget at no
extra cost
[It's easier to put one of these widgets in your box than it is to cart
them to the landfill where they belong]
The Obesity Research Institute has tested <our product> and found it
to be the most effective weight loss solution..
[we created the ORI, it is staffed by one of our employees, and located in
a back room in our building]
In a double blind clinical study conducted at a major university, 78%
of participants lost more than 20 pounds
[we hope you don't notice that we never actually said that it was <our
product> that was used in this study]
As a doctor, I believe that <the product> is the best weight loss
solution available today
[I paid for my Ph.D in life experiences and got the paper yesterday]
Just one of these miracle pills will burn fat while you sleep
[Remember us? Before we changed our name we sold these pills as a miracle
hair restoration treatment]
If after 6 months as a member of match-u.com you still haven't found
that special someone, we will give you a second 6 months free
[If you are such a loser that you cannot find someone on your own, and such
a loser that you have to join an online dating service, and really such a
loser that you cannot find someone among all the other losers here, we feel
really bad about taking more money from another loser, but we're sure you
would pay if we asked]
Click here to download a free ringtone for your phone
[If you do this, you will be subscribed for life and charged £50 a month
whether you agree to our terms or not]
You will receive 1 about every other month to inspect and keep it if
you like it or return if you do not
[the average month is 30 days, so 31 days is the second month, that's why
you will get 10 of these offers in a year].
------
There is an old Pub in Marble Arch, London, which used to have a gallows adjacent to it.
Prisoners were taken to the gallows (after a fair trial of course) to be hanged.
The horse-drawn dray, carting the prisoner, was accompanied by an armed guard, who
would stop the dray outside the pub and ask the prisoner if he would like ''ONE LAST DRINK''.
If he said YES, it was referred to as ONE FOR THE ROAD.
If he declined, that Prisoner was ON THE WAGON. So there you go ... More history.
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot and then once
a day it was taken and sold to the tannery. If you had to do this to survive you were "piss
poor", but worse than that were the really poor folk, who couldn't even afford to buy a pot,
they "Didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water Temperature isn't
just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June, because they took their yearly bath in May and they still
smelled pretty good by June.
However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the
body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married. Baths
consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the
nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.
Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"
Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only
place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the
roof.
When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling
into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom, where bugs and other droppings
could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the
top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence. The floor was
dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "dirt poor." The
wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh
(straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they added more thresh
until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was
placed in the entrance. Hence: a thresh hold. (Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came
over they would hang up their bacon, to show off It was a sign of wealth that a man could,
"Bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to Share with guests and would all sit
around talking and ''chew the fat''. ?
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content Caused some of
the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often
with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family
got the middle, and guests got the top, or ''The Upper Crust''.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the
imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for
dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of
days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would
wake up. Hence the custom of ''Holding a Wake''.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people,
so they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house and reuse the grave.
When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the
inside and they realised they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the
wrist of the corpse, thread it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the
bell; thus someone could be, ''Saved by the Bell ''or was considered a ''Dead Ringer'' And
that's the truth. Now, whoever said history was boring ! ! !
Vice President
--------------
Bernie was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company
he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means
nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Bernie decided to
call the grocery store.
A clerk answered and Bernie said, "May I speak with the Vice President of
peas, please?"
The clerk replied, "Canned or frozen?"
-------------
Puns for those with a higher IQ
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
--------
Obituaries
----------
The obituaries in the newspaper prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that
people die in alphabetical order.
Funerals
--------
One of the students in my college seminar could not take his final exam
because of a funeral, so I told him he could make it up the following week.
The following week rolled around and he said he couldn't take it then due
to another funeral.
"Well, all right," I said, "but you'll *have* to take the test next week. I
can't keep postponing it."
"I'll take it next week for sure," he replied, "unless someone else dies."
Well, that raised the red flag of my suspicion even higher. "How can so
many people you know pass away in just three weeks?"
"Oh, I don't know any of these people," he answered, "but I'm the only
gravedigger in town."
Hand Dryers
-----------
My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his
church and after two weeks took them out.
I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in
there he saw a sign that read,
"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
Foods
-----
A famous explorer was asked to lecture at a prestigious university about
his well-known travels throughout Africa.
"Can you imagine," he began, "a people so primitive that they love to eat
the embryo of certain birds and slices of meat ripped from the belly of
certain animals? Then they grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn
it over a fire, and smear it with a greasy mess they've concocted out of
the mammary secretions of yet another animal."
The students looked startled and some even a bit queasy at such barbarism.
The explorer then added, "What I've been describing, of course, is a
breakfast of eggs, bacon, and buttered toast. Now, about Africa..."
Oneliners
---------
There is something wrong if you're always right.
A pessimist mourns the future.
"A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman
makes a fool of him in twenty minutes." --Robert Frost
People complain most about things over which they have no control.
Beware of buying anything when the manuals are bigger than the equipment.
Calories are delicious.
The colder the X-ray table the more of you has to be on it.
If you can't see my mirrors, it means I've hit another cyclist.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere.
"Captain, I cannot believe my ears!" - Spock
Are the noises in my head bothering you?
Most families have heirlooms, but my family has heirloons.
Be careful when playing under the anvil tree!
Be different: conform.
New Domain Names
----------------
10. ".trek" Contains audio files of William Shatner.
9. ".bill" Microsoft has bought this company.
8. ".love" For people who would rather cuddle.
7. ".slow" Based in a distant country with no T3 lines.
6. ".geek" Assumes you know what all the acronyms mean.
5. ".404" We stopped maintaining our servers in 1996.
4. ".y2k" Contains theories about the end of the world.
3. ".burn" Huge multimedia files will crash your computer.
2. ".duh" Explains, in detail, stuff you already know.
1. .spam Sites which offer to sell you everything you don't want.
73 de daave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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