| |
GM3YEW > HUMOUR 26.04.19 06:34z 570 Lines 15062 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 32290_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 26/4
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IQ2LB<GB7COW<N9PMO<NS2B<VA7RBP<GB7YEW
Sent: 190426/0628Z 32290@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When April blows his horn, 'Tis good for both hay and corn
-----
The Bird Farm
-------------
A man, bored with his job, decided to start his own business. Wanting to do
something totally different from his current occupation, he bought a mating
pair of rheas and a large tract of land.
His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared to be a
great demand for the birds. Not being satisfied with just selling the
birds, he started researching how the birds were being used.
He found that all parts of the birds were being utilized, except the
feathers. Nobody wanted the plainly coloured rhea feathers.
The man purchased some equipment, some chemicals, hired some technical
people, and was soon selling fancy-coloured rhea feathers. The resulting
sales were amazing and made the man very happy.
There was one small problem. The workers making the coloured feathers were
becoming quite ill. The concerned man called a doctor to determine the
nature of the illness.
It was discovered that without exception, the workers had developed a
severe case of dye-a-rhea.
-----
One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slid over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it and then began looking for a car to flag down.
The father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...he I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"
"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".
"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten dollars" replied the tramp.
"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll *never* get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.
She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.
"Well you'll never believe it" she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten dollars"
"Yippee", exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it"
A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen.
"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.
"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "Super-duper, ultra- hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"
"Ahem, well O.K.", says the captain, "But you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."
So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.
"Psst", says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain. "Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin"
The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!
First they went down through the first class level:
Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 CT gold trim everywhere.
Then the second class:
As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on...
3rd, 4th, 5th class,
Down past the casinos,
And the ballrooms,
Down through the crew's quarters,
Down through the galleys, and the engine rooms,
Until finally,
At the lowest point in the ship,
Against the very hull,
The captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.
"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."
"I'm glad you like it" replies the captain, "but there is one more thing..." "Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."
Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...
Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below.
He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived....
....and what a dive...!
Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple.
Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this.
"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"
"Eh, well I've never actually dived before" replied the tramp.
"Well that's incredible!" says the captain,
"I've never seen...."
He broke off.
"Hey, I've an idea", he started again.
"How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"
"It's a deal!" says our man.
For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.
Then one morning the captain came to talk.
"O.K. I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."
"O.K." agreed the tramp.
Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck.
Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe.
Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.
"Well tramp" said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie.
And the tramp began to climb...
up and up...
below him the ship grew smaller...
on and on...
past a solitary albatross...
and still higher...
till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...
and on still further...
till the ocean grew dim...
and the earth itself...
began to shrink...
past our moon...
and on...
and mars...
and on...
higher, and higher...
through the asteroid belt...
and on and on towards the diving board...
past the outer planets, until...
on the outermost reaches of the Solar System...
he reached the board.
He climbed on top and radioed the captain...
and then...
he jumped
slowly at first
but speeding up
faster, and faster speeding past Pluto and the other outer planets .
through the asteroid belt:
past Mars,
and the moon,
faster,
and faster,
faster - ever faster,
and by now the earth was growing large in the distance,
the oceans and land masses grew clear,
faster, and faster...
past the albatross,
double-back somersault,
and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,
hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,
Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,
"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!"
The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove...
NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!
DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!
SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!
DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!
SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!
DOWN!
DOWN!
THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!
THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!
SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!
AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!
STILL DOWN...!
DEEPER,
DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,
TILL..........
SMASH! Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.
Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.
Up and up, desperate, gasping...
Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.
HERO! WONDERFUL! AMAZING! BLOODY GOOD SHOW THAT!
And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd.
"Well tramp, I have *NEVER* seen anything like that, *EVER*.
That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen"
The tramp blushed.
The captain went on:
"But tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it."
And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly:
"Well you see....
I'm a poor tramp...
so you must understand...
I've been through many a hardship in my life"
------------
Daughters
---------
A good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters became old
enough to date, I'd disapprove of every young man who took them out.
But when the time came, I was pleased that my friend's prediction was
wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well mannered.
Talking to my daughter Joanna one day, I said that I liked all the young
men she and her sisters brought home.
"You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."
Aliens
------
Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other.
The first spaceman says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet
have developed satellite-based weapons."
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an
emerging intelligence?"
The first spaceman says, "I don't think so...They have them aimed at
themselves."
---------
A guy is 72years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day
when he heard a voice say,
'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when
he heard the voice say again,
'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.
Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman
you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I
will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it
up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age
I'd rather have a talking frog.'
With age comes wisdom.
-------
Tips From Junior Employees To Senior Management
-----------------------------------------------
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00
and then bring nit to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10
minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It
gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you
are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies,
don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a
paraplegic and opening doors is good training.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which
is the priority. Let me guess.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really
have nowhere o go or anything to do.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that
could cost m a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to
be popular in conversation.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them
down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you
refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could
really change your life.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and
it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.
---------------
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway
next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his
torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and
asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being
with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for
your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a
bath."
The drunk muttered in response "Well, I'll be damned!"
Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man
and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so
strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading
here that the Pope does."
-----------------
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor James at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab
last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now
uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way
the results are not too good.'
What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs.. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests
once and once only.'
Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere
in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
Read previous mail | Read next mail
| |
