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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 24.04.19 06:24z 337 Lines 11090 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 32208_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 24/4
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0GOS<ON0AR<VE2PKT<ZL2BAU<N9PMO<
VE3UIL<VA7RBP<GB7YEW
Sent: 190424/0612Z 32208@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Although the Sun May Shine, Leave Not Thy Cloak at Home
------
Dear Husband (ex)I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I filled for divorce
And have Left you for good. I've been more than a good woman to you for seven
Years And I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been beyond
Hell. Last week you came home and didn't notice I had gotten my hair and
Nails done cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.
Instead you came home and ate in two minutes watched the game then went
Straight to sleep. You don't tell me you love me anymore you don't touch me
Or anything. Your boss called to tell me you quit your job and that was the
Last straw. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore. Whatever
The case I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me don't. Your BROTHER and I have moved away
To West Virginia together! Have a great life loser!
Your Ex-Wife
Dear Ex-wife It's true we have been married for seven years although a
Good woman is a Far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much
To try to drown out Your constant nagging. Too bad that didn't work. I did
Notice you cut off All of your hair last week the first thing that came to mind
Was "You look Just like a man!" I was raised to not say anything if you can't say
Anything Nice. As for cooking my favourite meal you must have gotten me confused
With MY BROTHER because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. Yes I went
To sleep even though you had on that new negligee. It turned me off for two
Reasons first because the $49.99 price tag was still on it second it may
Have been a coincidence but my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from
Me that morning.
Even after all of this I still felt that somehow we could work it out. Then
I discovered I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars so I quit my job
and bought us two tickets to Jamaica to try to put the spice back into our
marriage. But when I got home you were gone and I found the letter you left
for me.
Well anyway I guess everything happens for a reason. I hope you and my
brother have the filling life you always wanted. By the way my lawyer said
with the divorce and letter you wrote you won't be entitled to a dime. Take
care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but my brother Carl was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
SincerelyYour Ex
Bizarre Random Facts
--------------------
George Washington and Thomas Jefferson both grew hemp. Ben Franklin owned a
mill that made hemp paper. The US Declaration of Independence was written
on hemp paper.
On every continent there is a city called Rome.
Eskimos use refrigerators to keep food from freezing.
Neil Armstrong stepped on the moon with his left foot first.
Lightning strikes men about seven times more often than it does women.
Women make up 49% of the world population.
About 50% of Americans live within 50 miles of their birth- place. This is
called propinquity.
From the Middle Ages until the 18th century the local barber's duties
included dentistry, blood letting, minor operations and bone-setting. The
barber's striped red pole originates from when patients would grip the pole
during an operation.
The US nickname Uncle Sam was derived from Uncle Sam Wilson, a meat
inspector in Troy, New York.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
Dry Cleaner
-----------
My dry cleaner very generously gives each customer a free copy of the daily
newspaper. As I took my copy, I told him, "I hope the business grows enough
to offset the cost of the papers."
"Oh, don't worry about us," he said. "Nothing dirties clothes more than
newsprint."
-----------------------
Minds
-----
Some minds are like concrete...thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
Tomorrow
--------
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Sheep
-----
A shepherd was looking after his sheep beside of a deserted road. Suddenly
a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an
Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and
a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd, "If I can tell you how
many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"
The shepherd looks at the young man, looks at the large flock of grazing
sheep and replies, "Okay."
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters
a NASA Webster, scans the Ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60
Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a
150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer.
He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."
The shepherd says, "that's correct, you can have your sheep."
The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The
shepherd looks at him and asks, "If I guess your profession, will you
return my animal to me?"
"Sure, why not."
"You are an IT consultant"
"That's correct, but how did you know?"
"Simple. First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me
a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don't understand
anything about my business ... Now can I have my dog back?"
-----------
Hung Chow calls into
work and says, 'Hey, I no come
work today, I really sick . Got headache,
stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything
better and I go to work.. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You got
nice house'
------------------
A RETIREE'S THOUGHT
My Wife asked, "Whatcha doin' today?"
I said, "Nothing."
She said, "You did that yesterday."
I said, "I wasn't finished."
----------------
Hurricane 'Senga' hit the Tayside city of Dundee in the early
hours of yesterday morning. Victims were seen wandering
round aimlessly muttering "Pure mental, man no?" The
hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £90
worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos
from Majorca and Seville were damaged beyond repair.
Three historically important areas of burnt out cars were
disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros
arrived the next morning.
Police state that incidences of looting, muggings and car
crime were particularly high during the night, but calmed
down when the hurricane struck.
Twenty-two asylum seekers were rescued from an
apartment in the Fintry Area, rescuers are going to search
the second bedroom later today.
Radio Tay reported that hundreds of residents were
confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to
terms with the fact that something interesting had happened
in Dundee . One resident, Bernadette O'Reilly, a 15 year
old mother of 5 said "It gied me a pure fright so's it did.
Meh little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into meh
bedroom greetin'.
My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Natasha slept through
it all. He wiz still shaking when he was watching Trisha the
next morning, so he wiz".
Neighbour Joseph 'young young' McGurn said "The noise
wiz tremendous. At first he thoat it wiz the Neds coming oot
of The Cutty Sark Bar, but it wiz even worser.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000
crates of Bon Accord Pola Cola and two tons of deep fried
mars bars to the area to help stricken locals. Rescue workers
are still searching the rubble and have found quantities of
personal belongings including Benefit books and bone China
from Poundstretchers. Residents in neighbouring Arbroath
offered to accommodate those left homeless, but the Dundee
people decided they were better off where they were. A Council
spokesman has indicated that it would take take at least a full
morning to get things looking like normal and added "There
has been a pure Blitz spirit, everybody's been pure blitzed".
Poundstretcher has agreed to stay open 24 hours to allow
residents to refurbish their homes.
The Government has pledged to ensure that bookies, pubs,
chip shops and other essential services will reopen as soon
as possible.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This Appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels
for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing most sought after includes - Fila or Burberry baseball
caps, Hoodies, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits
(female), white sport socks, Rockport boots or Adidas trainers.
Food parcels are also urgently required. Please try to include
-Microwave chips, Pies from Greggs, Sugar Puffs, Tins of
spaghetti, Gypsy Creams Curly-Wurlies, Red Cola, cans of
Special Brew and Diamond White, bottles of Buckie or El Dorado ,
glue or hairspray.
Just 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys
chips, crisps and Irn-Bru for a family of nine. £3 will pay for a pouch
of tobacco, papers and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
*Breaking News*
Rescue workers have found a 10-year-old girl in the rubble.
Apparently she was smothered in raspberry Alco- pop. When
asked where she was bleeding from she replied " the kingsway ,
whit's it got to dae wi' you...
Sexual content
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed,
good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else",
said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without
hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.
There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third
consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where
are you from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh .."
"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000
inheritance in person ................."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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