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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 22.04.19 06:25z 272 Lines 8955 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 32127_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 22/4
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0GOS<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<GB7CIP<
GB7YEW
Sent: 190422/0619Z 32127@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
An April flood carries away both the frog and his brood
---------
A gynaecologist had become fed up with the cost of malpractice insurance,
NHS paperwork and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he
decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam, the gynaecologist prepared carefully
for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a
score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear
ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an
error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark.
"You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50%
of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you
did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire
career!!
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Paraprosdokian of the day
Ø I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lime and a shot of tequila.
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Mess Cake
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The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much grief
The cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they gave back as
Much as they got. He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk
To the cooks and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals to
The sailors coming down the line. A smile and a cheerful comment a
Willingness to serve them will reap great benefits he told them.
After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and
Watched the food being served.
A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything he saw
So he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert
Section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake.
The Mess Specialist looked at him Is that all you're gonna eat" he
Asked.
The sailor said "yeah the rest of it don't look too appetizing."
The Mess Specialist smiled and said well in that case would you like two
Pieces of cake?"
The Chaplain smiled and hit the Food Service Officer in the ribs I told
You my talk did them some good."
The kid said Yeah man I'd appreciate it."
The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.
Nostalgia
---------
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Interesting Trivia.
-----------------------
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to
Beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the
Rule of thumb"
-------------------------------------------
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into
The English language.
-------------------------------------------
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred
And Wilma Flintstone.
-------------------------------------------
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
-------------------------------------------
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
-------------------------------------------
Coca-Cola was originally green.
-------------------------------------------
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
-------------------------------------------
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
-------------
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: £3400
--------------
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. In any given hour:
61,000
--------------
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
--------------
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
--------------
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
-------------
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
-----------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
--------------
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the
Air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air
The person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has
All four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
--------------
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John
Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the
Last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
--------------
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
-----------
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
Requested?
A. Obsession
--------------
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until
You would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
-------------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser
Printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
--------------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
-----
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
--------------
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer
To sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
--------------
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month
After the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all
The mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar
Was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know
Today as the honeymoon.
--------------
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England,
When customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your
Pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind
Your P's and Q's"
--
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the
Rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they
Used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
Inspired by this practice.
--------------
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
-------------
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
-------------
Sexual bits -
"Nurses aren't supposed to laugh." Frank declared.
"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Frank said and proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen.
Length and width, it couldn't have been
bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then
almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she
was able to regain her composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over
me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't
happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Frank replied.
Things went downhill from there.
------------------
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section
of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose,then visibly
shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.A few minutes later, the woman sneezed
again,took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold,the man was still curious about
the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.As before she
took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity,the man turned to the woman and said,'I
couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times,wiped your nose
and then shuddered violently.Are you OK?'
'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical
condition:Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.'I have never
heard of that condition before' he said.'Are you taking anything for it?'
The woman nodded. - 'Pepper.'
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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