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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 11.04.19 05:52z 289 Lines 8614 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 31302_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 11/4
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0IUZ<DB0GOS<ON0AR<GB7CIP<GB7YEW
Sent: 190411/0545Z 31302@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
It's an ill wind that blows no good
-------
An elderly ham and his XYL were on a cruise and it was really
stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat
watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the
old woman overboard. They searched for days and
couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old ham back
to shore with the promise that he would notify him as
soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and
finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read:
"Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at
the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck
and attached to her posterior was an oyster and in it was a
pearl worth $50,000 . .please advise"
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait
the trap!"
-------
I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper".
"Don't be silly", she said. "You can borrow my iPad".
That spider never knew what bloody hit it!
The 200 Polish fans arrested after yesterday's game have been found
guilty of violent disorder and been deported back to England
A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving
Team after Paddy accused Mick of copying him!
English Stiff Upper Lip: On a train from London to Manchester ,
an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from
him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much.
You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look
at me... I'm ME!
I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some
Aborigine blood. What do you say to that?
The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"
----------
Three New York surgeons were playing golf together and discussing
surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, 'I'm the best surgeon in the state. In my favourite
case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident; I re-attached
them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the
Queen of England'.
The second surgeon said. 'That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and
both legs in an accident; I reattached them, and 2 years later he won
a gold Medal in track and field events in the Olympics'.
The third surgeon said, 'You guys are amateurs. Several years
ago a man was high on cocaine and marijuana and he rode a
horse head-on into a train, travelling 80 miles an hour. All I had
left to work with was the man's blonde hair and the horse's ass.
I was able to put them together and now he's president of the USA '!
------
After being married for thirty years....a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H...I, J, K."
She asks..."What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said..."Oh, that's so lovely...
What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
His eye is still swollen...but it will get better...
-----
CHURCH PHONE
A man in the far South of England, decided to write a book about
churches around the country. He started in his home town and started
working North from there.
Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and
making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall, and
was intrigued with a sign which read, "£10,000 per minute." Seeking out
the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign.
The pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to
Heaven, and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God. The man
thanked the pastor and continued on his way.
As he continued to visit churches in various places around the country,
he found more such phones, with the same sign, and the same
explanation from each pastor.
Finally, the man arrived in Perthshire. Upon entering a church, behold:
he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 25p"!
Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor. "Reverend, I have
been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this
golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven, and
that I could use it to talk to God. But in 20 other churches, the cost was
£10,000 per minute. Your sign says 25p per call. Why is that?
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied:
"Son, you're in Perthshire now and it's a local call."
------
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there
Anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
Various
-------
Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them
Would have seen it.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
Any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't
Reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor,
Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've
Cut your arms off".
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft,
It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat
It.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
Hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?" "It"s not unusual."
Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a
Lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the
Other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left
A little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places".
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
Grandpa
-------
Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of
Living, in particular.
"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami,
Two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new
Blue jeans... All for a dollar!!"
Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that anymore..... They got those
Darn video cameras everywhere you look."
Sleepers Wanted
---------------
Urgently in need of sleeping cars a Canadian Railroad inserted the
Following advertisement in one of the trade journals.
"300 Sleepers Wanted. Needed at Once."
A short time later they received a letter from a minister of a church in
Iowa offering his entire congregation.
1. In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER......
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
2. In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE
ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
3. In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
4. In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER
YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR
. . .FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
5. In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
6. Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING
MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG
AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
7. Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
8. Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
9. Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW
IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
10. Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS
THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
11. On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD
ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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