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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 13.09.21 07:02z 298 Lines 7969 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 25901_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 13/9
Path: HB9ON<IW0QNL<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<VK7AX<VK2IO<N7HPX<W9GM<GB7YEW
Sent: 210913/0611Z 25901@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
A severe summer a windy autumn
-----
Quotes
They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
--
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood
Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!
Q.You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a
woman
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
---------
There was once a young man who, in his youth,
professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read,
stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level,
stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.
-----------
Arthur is 95 years old. He's played golf every day since his
Retirement 30 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast. 'That's it' he tells his
wife' I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad ... Once I hit
The ball can't see where it went.'
His wife sympathises and as they sit down she says 'Why don't
You take my brother with you and give it one more try.'
'That's no good' sighs Arthur. 'Your brother is a hundred and
Three. He can't help.'
'He may be a hundred and three 'says the wife' but his eyesight
Is perfect.'
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his
Brother-in-law.
He tees uptakes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law.
'Did you see the ball?'
'Of course I did!' says the brother-in- law. 'I have perfect
Eyesight.'
'Where did it go?' asks Arthur.
'I can't remember.'
----------
-
Several centuries ago the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to
Convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the
Jewish community so the Pope offered a deal.
He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.
If the Jews won they could stay in Italy if the Pope won they'd have
To convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent
Them in the debate. However as the rabbi spoke no Italian and the Pope
Spoke no Yiddish they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that
The rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still
Only one God common to both our beliefs.
'Then I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all
Around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was
Also right here with us.
'I pulled out the wine and water to show that God absolves us of all
Our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'
Meanwhile the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.
'I haven't a clue' the rabbi said. 'First he told me that we had three
Days to get out of Italy so I gave him the finger.
'Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I
Told him that we were staying right here.'
'And then what?' asked a woman.
'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out
Mine.'
---
Zen Thinking from Garfield
1. Do not walk behind me for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is
narrow. In fact just bugger off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead try missing
a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticise someone you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way when you criticise them you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the bug some days you are the wind screen.
13. Don't worry it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgement comes from bad experience and most of that comes from bad judgement.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
--
Sexual :-
Man shagging 30 stone woman. He says “Can we have the light switched
off?” She said “Why? Do you find me repulsive?” He said “ No….its
burning my bum”.
--------------------------------------------------------------
You wont hear from me for a while mate. Being investigated for
stealing swimming pool inflatables……..I gotta lilo.
----------------------------------------------------------------
News just in….Theres a female ref for the United v City match. The kick
off has been put back an hour so she can park her car.
---------
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second
golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The
second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for
five bucks a hole?"
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to
the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy
counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring
course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return
the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish
to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass
on Sunday and make a donation... And, if you want to bring your mother
and father along, I'll marry them.
--------
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he
decided to take a leak.
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of
wind blew the gun fell over and discharged shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his
doctor who said "I have some good news and some bad news. The
good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to
your groin and we were able to remove all of the buckshot. The bad
news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your
penis. So I'm going to refer you to my brother."
"Well I guess that isn't too bad" the man replied. "Is your brother a
plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local
symphony. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't
pee in your eye."
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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