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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 12.09.21 06:22z 338 Lines 9332 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 25834_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 12/9
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<I0OJJ<EA2RCF<LU9DCE<GB7YEW
Sent: 210912/0617Z 25834@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
It never rains but it pours
---
If You Love Someone
-------------------
Pessimist:
If you love someone, Set her free ... if she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, as expected, she never was
Optimist:
If you love someone, Set her free ... Don't worry, she will come back.
Suspicious:
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, ask her why.
Impatient:
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she doesn't comes back soon forget
her.
Patient:
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she doesn't come back, continue to
wait until she comes back ...
Playful:
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she comes back, and if you love
her still, set her free again, repeat
Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love someone, Set her free ... In fact, all living creatures deserve
to be free!!
Lawyers:
If you love someone, Set her free ... Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the
second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...
Bill Gates:
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she comes back, I think we can
charge her for re-installation fees and but tell her that she's also going
to get an upgrade.
Statisticians:
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she loves you, the probability of
her coming back is high If she doesn't, your relation was improbable
anyway.
Schwarzenegger's fans:
If you love someone, Set her free ... SHE'LL BE BACK!
Over possessive person:
If you love someone don't set her free.
HR specialist:
If you love someone set her free by offering her VRS and other benefits
then outsource her.
MBA:
If you love someone set her free instantaneously and look for others
simultaneously.
Psychologist:
If you love someone set her free. If she comes back her super ego is
dominant. If she doesn't come back her id is supreme. If she doesn't go,
she must be crazy.
ERP functional expert:
If you love someone set her free. If she comes back, map her into your
system. If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis.
Finance expert:
If you love someone set her free. If she comes back its time to look at
fresh loans. If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.
Marketing Expert:
If you love someone set her free. If she comes back that's brand loyalty.
---
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
--------
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares'
game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!
Q.True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
---------
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're having sex
wijour wife.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy
says: "Well the joke's on them cos I wasn't even at home yesterday."
------
Auto
----
A man and his wife had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.
He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports car so she could
Zip through traffic around town.
He would have settled on a used truck, but everything she seemed to like
Was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or
Less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me!"
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Assault charges are pending.
----
THESE ARE REAL NOTES WRITTEN BY PARENTS IN AN ARKANSAS SCHOOL
DISTRICT. (SPELLINGS HAVE BEEN LEFT INTACT.)
--MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY.
PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.
-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER
SHOT.
--DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30,
31,32 AND ALSO 33.
--PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.
--PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL
OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.
--JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS
FACE.
--CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE
WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.
--MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED
BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.
--JONNY WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.
-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.
-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE,
DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SHITS. [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT].
--PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA,
AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.
--IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.
-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT.
-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING
BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.
--PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO
GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT
IT WAS SUNDAY.
-- SALLY WON'T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. WE HAVE TO ATTEND
HER FUNERAL.
-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT
A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES.
-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A
COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.
--PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED
WITH GRAMPS.
--GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.
--PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.
--MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORE
THROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AND
SORE
THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE
BEST EITHER, SORE THROAT AND FEVER . THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND,
HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.
---
Flying
------
Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit.
"No way am I getting on an airplane," was the inevitable answer.
"Look, Mum, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the
Ground or in the air."
"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the ground
When it's the pilot's time to go."
Senior Golfers
--------------
There were four 80-year old men playing golf.
One complained the hills were too high.
The second complained the bunkers were too deep.
The third said the holes were too wide.
The fourth one said, "Shut up! At least we're still on the right side of
The grass!"
Family Friendly
---------------
I know my company has made a big effort to be family friendly, but I was
baffled when I read this email from the personnel department: "All
employees are invited to the annual Christmas party. All children under
the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa. Employees who have no
children may bring grandchildren."
Letter
------
When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of
human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I
think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."
The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next
day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read,
"Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us,
we were very satisfied."
Pun Warning
-----------
DID THE PEOPLE LAUGH WHEN THE LADY FELL ON THE ICE?
No but the ice cracked up.
WHY AREN'T ELEPHANTS ALLOWED ON BEACHES?
They can't keep their trunks up.
WHAT DID ONE SAND PILE SAY TO THE OTHER?
What cha dune?
WHERE DOES A GARDNER KEEP HIS MONEY?
In a savings and lawn.
WHAT DOES A DANCER USUALLY DRINK?
Tap water.
WHEN ARE EYES, NOT EYES?
When the wind makes them water.
WHY DID HUMPTY DUMPTY HAVE A GREAT FALL?
To make up for a lousy summer.
WHICH PRESIDENT WAS FROM OUTER SPACE?
Ronald Ray-gun.
Sexual Content
A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old
clothing.
I said yes, but asked what I would get in return. She said I could play
with her breasts.
I thought, thats fair, tit for tat.
-----------------------------------------------
Im in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what
I would like to do most with her body.
Apparently “Identify it” wasn't the right answer.
---------------------------------------
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she
killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought…Sod
it….soldier on.
---------------------------------------------------
Just said to the missus…”Hey fat gut..what do you want for Valentines Day”
She said “Dont get f ing lippy”
I said “Mascara it is then!”
--------------------------------------------------
I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered Witherspoon'
serve breakfast until 11.30.
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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