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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 08.04.19 06:45z 459 Lines 15121 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 31104_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 8/4
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0GOS<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<ZL2BAU<
GB7YEW
Sent: 190408/0638Z 31104@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
A banker is someone who lends you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and
who asks for it back when it start to rain.
------
A Tilehurst woman has lost her case at Reading Crown Court today.....
She had tried to sue the Royal Berkshire Hospital Foundation Trust after
her husband went in for an operation which left him unable to have
sex with her afterwards.
Mrs Minger of Highfield Allotments, Tilehurst, aged 67, said to reporters
outside court this afternoon
"me and my husband Fred have had a wonderful sex life together until
he went in hospital and had his operation, now he's not interested in
me and it's all down to them!
The surgeon who performed the operation had attended court to give
evidence and said
"all we did was remove Fred's cataracts !".
----
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day
in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his
bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front
lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's
Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would
ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the
foreign accent, thought he would have a
little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my
impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged
to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
-------
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed
and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a
valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead..
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to
start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these
dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat
the next thing that comes out of its butt.'
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets
mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his
head out the window?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
-----------
How many cows?
A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in
Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a
cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a
Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the
window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and
calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Sam looks at the man, who
obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and
calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car,
whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR
V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls
up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then
feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the
digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing
facility in Hamburg, Germany ...
Within seconds, he receives an
email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data
stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
database through an ODBC
connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a
few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a
full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet
printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and
calves."
"That number’s right. Well, I guess
you can take one of my calves," says Sam.
He watches the young man
select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man
stuffs it into the boot of his car.
Then Sam says to the young
man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you
give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it
for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of the
European Parliament", says Sam.
"Wow! That's correct," says
the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required."
answered Sam. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you
want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never
asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me
how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how
working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a
herd of sheep.
Now give me back my
dog.
AND THAT Friends IS WHAT THE
PROBLEM IS WITH THE EU
------
To Be 8 again!
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching
his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like
to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still
looking in the mirror
.On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a
nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure
World theme park. What a day! He put her on every
ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the
Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he
ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate
shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her
Favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you @*#*! idiot
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get
it wrong.
SEND THIS TO ALL THE MEN & WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH
-----------
Guys can't relate to something like this...but it does happen and at
the time it is not funny but later it is for a great laugh!!
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of
women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn,
you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman
leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait
has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the
modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy,
but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was
one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around
your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!
), yank down your pants, and assume ' The Stance.'
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the
seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.'
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you
discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.. In your mind, you can
hear your mother's voice saying, 'Honey, if you had tried to clean the
seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake
more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday -
the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your
neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at
the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest
way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail .
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door
hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your
chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the
toilet. 'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping
your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose
your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too
late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and
life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet
paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You
know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because,
you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat
because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you
could get.'
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose
against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that
covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush
somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the
empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the
wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper
you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the
sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic
sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and
walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the
very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from
your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from
your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you
just might need this.'
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used,
and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long,
and why is your purse hanging around your neck?'
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms
(rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men
what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly
asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so
the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you
Kleenex under the door!
This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so
accurately!
Send this to all women that need a good laugh
--------
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
----------
NO WONDER SO MANY OLDER GUYS RECKON THEY HAVE PROSTRATE PROBLEMS!!!
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the
Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty
female doctor.
The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but
this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably
used to.
I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees, then while I
check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,
'99'.
The old guy obeys and says,
"99".
The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again,
while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,
'99".
Again, the old guy says,
'99'."
The doctor said, “Very goodö.
Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised
slightly.
I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other
hand I'm going to hold on to your penis
to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say,
'99'.
The old guy begins,
"One....
two…
three…"
You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing!
-------
Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In
over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length
and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it
just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was
laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part,
she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said..
"I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I
promise That won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the
problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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