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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 23.03.19 07:32z 210 Lines 6536 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 30154_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 23/3
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0GOS<ON0AR<VE2PKT<LU3DVN<LU9DCE<
VA3TOK<GB7YEW
Sent: 190323/0726Z 30154@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
She didn't, She was ill this day !
-----------
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone,
and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes
into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our
computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards.
She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed
look on her face.
She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she
typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this
time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.
I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said.
I typed, "I said leave me alone!"
The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!"
It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The
conversation between them and the computer went on for an amazing
five minutes.
Me: "Don't touch me! That hurts!"
Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't
contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.
After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red.
Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
---------
The loaded mini-van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four
children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and
setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls
and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.
A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some
display of teamwork."
The father replied, "I have a system: no one goes to the bathroom until
the camp is set up."
----------
On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said:
"Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of
outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full
of mountain goats, and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with
bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking
sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with
salmon."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the
inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they
shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous to
these Canadians?"
"Not really," replied God "just wait and see the neighbours I am going to
give them."
-------
A lady went to a pet shop.
"I'd like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner.
"We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said, as he
showed the lady some pale green parakeets.
"That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated.
But the pet store owner refused to give up. He said, "Just think of them
as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet."
------
One summer evening a young son came in while his parents were setting the
for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help.
His mother said, "No, but I appreciate you asking."
The child responded, "Well, I appreciate you saying no."
-------
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When
little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating
at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and
she knows how to cook."
---------
A pharmacy major was taking a course in Dispensing. One day they were
discussing the various labels affixed to prescription containers,
such as, "Take with food," and "Take with water."
At the end of class, the professor passed out a few sample labels.
Days later he noticed that one member of the class had struck one of
them onto his chemistry textbook. It read: "Caution: May cause extreme
drowsiness."
---------
I wanted to buy a CD player, but was completely perplexed by one
model's promotional sign. So I called the salesclerk over and asked,
"What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?"
He said, "That means that this machine will read the digital
information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal."
"In other words," I said, "this CD player plays CDs."
"Exactly."
-------
One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,
rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and
said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with
a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like
yours and I'll have enough parts for a second one."
--------------
Bill and Tom are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.
One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench
saw.
Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the
local hospital.
Next dayTom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill.
The nurse says'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.
Tom couldn't believe it but here's Bill out the back exercising his now
reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
Couple of days go by and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another
bloody big saw thing. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it
and Bill off to hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'. And sure
Enough here's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.
And Bill comes back to work. but as usual within a couple of days he has
another accident and severs his head. Wearily Tom puts the head in a
plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is.
The nurse breaks down and cries and says'He's dead'
Tom is shocked but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in'
'No' says the nurse 'some dopey idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he
suffocated'
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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