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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 21.03.19 06:50z 208 Lines 6859 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 30068_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 21/3
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0GOS<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<N9PMO<
GB7YEW
Sent: 190321/0642Z 30068@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Look for rain when the crow flies low
------
Subject: School Children Writing About The Sea
.. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
.. Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
.. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island .. If you don't have
sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
.. Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
.. A dolphin breathes through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy
age 8)
.. My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily
Burniston age 5)
.. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would
whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be
better off eating beans. (William age 7)
.. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
.. I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my
big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy age 6)
.. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give
you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
.. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin age 6)
. Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers
can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky
age 8)
.. On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot
up her fanny (Julie age 7)
-------------
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one
House it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer
Came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on
The back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that
His card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message,
"Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of
Laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid
For I was naked."
-------
The Funny Side of Marriage
* One woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
Wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Well,
Yes, but I married the wrong man."
* Getting married is very much like going out to a restaurant
With friends. You order what you want, then when you see
What the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
* Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his
Bachelor's' degree and the woman gets her master's.
* Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
* A man once said, "I never knew what real happiness was
Until I got married; and then it was too late."
* A man took out a classified ad saying "Wife wanted". The
Next day he received a hundred responses saying "You can
Have mine."
* Some men define marriage as a very expensive way to get
Your laundry done free.
* And some learn that the most effective way to remember
Your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
* When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you
Know that either the wife is new - or the car is.
* Husband: "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
Wife: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't care!"
--------
After having their 11th child (Pocahontas Brittany Larsson O'Neill),
a Glesga couple decided that was enough because they could not
afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his GP and told him that
he and his missus didn't want to have any more children (Wur no
wantin ony mair weans, so wur no).
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a firework
banger available from most east end corner shops all year round,
put it in an empty beer can, light it then hold the can up to your
ear and count to 10.
The Glesga Ned said to the doctor, 'Ah might no be the smartest
tool in the shed, but Ah cannae see how pittin a firework in a beer
caun next to my ear is gonnae help me no tae huv ony mair weans.'
'Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the Ned went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1' '2' '3' '4' '5' .....
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs
and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure is available on the NHS, by the way, and works
in Govan, Barrachnie, Garthamlock, Clydebank, Parkhead,
Caldercruix, Shettleston, Paisley, and Old Kilpatrick.
---------
The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and
credit for this painful, but understandable story as told by a
loving wife -
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like
to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I
have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a
terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they
could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the
congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have
experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "
and every move caused him terrible pain.
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation,
and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed
remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it
in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed
uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed
on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord,
Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his
scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively
asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "Hi, I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I
just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."
--
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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