| |
GM3YEW > HUMOUR 27.01.21 07:16z 301 Lines 7640 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 13007_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 27/1
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<IQ5KG<I0OJJ<I3XTY<GB7COW<GB7YEW
Sent: 210127/0703Z 13007@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
North wind - it'll be very cold
-------
"Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words.
A will is a dead giveaway.
---
Elephants
Why are elephants wrinkled?
Have you ever tried to iron one?
How do you make an elephant stew?
Keep it waiting for two hours.
What should you do if a herd of elephants rushes toward you while
You're in a telephone booth?
Make a collect call and reverse the charge.
Why aren't elephants allowed on some beaches?
Because they can't keep their trunks up.
Why can't two elephants go swimming at the same time?
Because they have only one pair of trunks.
How do you make an elephant laugh?
Tickle its ivories.
------
Safety
------
Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm
constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise. "Does anyone
know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in our parking lot?"
The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up.
"That depends. Do you mean coming in to work or leaving?"
--------------
The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent
operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.
"I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I think it's the
drinking."
"Okay," the patient said. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor who's
sober?"
--------
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES... Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father,
Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... Been out
a while. Better be a reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for
sale.
GEORGIAPEACHES California grown - 89 cents lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer
£300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call
Stephanie.
Battle
------
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There's too much fraternising with the enemy.
-- Henry Kissinger
Catholic Gasoline
-----------------
Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds
visiting home bound patients when she ran out of petrol. As luck would have it,
a petrol station was just a short distance away.
She walked to the station to borrow a petrol can and buy some fuel. The
attendant told her that the only petrol can he owned had been lent out, but
she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and
walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could
fill with petrol and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with
petrol, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the fuel into her tank, two men watched from across the
street. One of the them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm
turning Catholic."
---------
Sexual -
---
Couldnâ€Öt sleep the other night. I thought Iâ€Öd occupy my mind by seeing
if I could remember a few limericks. I had to leave the room before the
bed disintegrated from the seismic effects of suppressed laughter.
Oldies, but baddies. Nothing like a bit of puerile filth to lift the
spirits . . .
An adventurous bird, name of Jill
Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And her bust up a tree in Brazil
--
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but
how old do you think I am?'
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very
same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her
way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning
question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her
the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young
there was a sure-fire way
to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly a
nd carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.?
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam,
you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't,' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
----------
A couple take an 18 year old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the
house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could
use a tin bath in front of the fire.
'Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out
to darts', she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath
the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match,
the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic
hair and told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said, 'Next week
I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself'.
The following Monday, while the girl again got
undressed, the wife asked, 'Do you shave?'
'No', replied the girl. 'I've just
never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?'
'Oh yes', said the woman and she showed off her
great, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked, 'Did you see it?'
'Yes', he said. 'But why the hell did you have to show her yours?'
'Why not?' she said. 'You've seen it all before.'
'I know', he said, 'but the darts team hadn't'
-----------
They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time
that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out
for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening.
They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner
drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude
soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd
shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts....
Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin, I'd
have been gentler.'
Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have
taken my tights off '
Read previous mail | Read next mail
| |
