| |
GM3YEW > HUMOUR 26.01.21 07:05z 241 Lines 6053 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 12969_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 26/1
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<UA6ADV<LU4ECL<F4DUR<CX2SA<EA2RCF<LU9DCE<EC5W<KD8FMR<
AL0Y<GB7YEW
Sent: 210126/0700Z @:GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO #:12969 LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Snow is due when the cat washes behind both ears
-------
Couldnâ€Öt sleep the other night. I thought Iâ€Öd occupy my mind by seeing
if I could remember a few limericks. I had to leave the room before the
bed disintegrated from the seismic effects of suppressed laughter.
Oldies, but baddies. Nothing like a bit of puerile filth to lift the
spirits . . .
There once was a young girl from Bude,
Who went for a swim in a lake.
A man in a punt
Stuck a pole in her ear,
And said "you can' t swim here, it's private.
"Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
-----
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know
each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.
The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.
The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and
said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little broom!'
'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to
Hurt!!!!!!
'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
And the best man says :
"Sounds to me like she's been sweeping around" !
"BROOM BROOM"
--
Puns for those with a higher IQ
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
-----------
Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a
game on
TV. suddenly she burst out laughing. "Listen to this there's a classified
ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season tickets."
"Hmmm" her husband said not bothering to look away from the game.
Sarah said teasingly"Would you swap me for season tickets?"
"Absolutely not" he said"season's more than half over."
Storm
-----
A salesman attending a meeting on the coast was held up when a severe storm
and a flood washed out the local airport. He wired his office: "Delayed by
storm. Send instructions."
His boss wired back: "We'll answer your calls. Begin vacation immediately."
-------
It is well known that Hiawatha had 3 wives.
The first wife bore him 3 sons the 2nd had 4but the 3rd wife appeared
to be barren so he went to see the medicine man for advice.
The medicine man asked him what skin he lay on with wife No. 1 to which
Hiawatha replied ''a bear skin''.
And what skin did you lie on with wife No. 2? ''A buffalo skin replied
Hiawatha''.
Then the medicine man told him that to get wife No. 3 in the family way he
must lie with her on a hippopotamus skin.
Hiawatha took this advice and 9 months later he was delighted to become
the father of another 5 sons.
Curious as to how this had come about he went to see the medicine man for
an explanation.
The medicine man quoted Pythagoras who said ''The squaw on the Hippopotamus
is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other 2 hides ''!
--------------------
Sexual content -
--------
5 PEARLS OF SCOTTISH WISDOM.
1. Money cannot buy happiness but ... somehow, its more comfortable
to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy,
but remember the bastard's name.
3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is
in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because itâ€Ös illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.
-------------
A New Zealand bloke buys several sheep hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant
and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not
wanting to display his ignorance only asks the vet how he will know
when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop
standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when
they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion
that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
so he loads the sheep into his Land Rover drives them out into the woods
makes love with them all brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they
are all still standing around he deduces that the first try didn't
takea and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to
the woods bangs each sheep twice for good measure brings them back
and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
Try again.' he tells himself and proceeds to load them up and drive
them out to the woods He spends all day with the sheep and upon
returning home falls knackered into bed.
The next morning he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look
out of the window. He asks his wife to look and tell him if the sheep
are lying in the grass.
'No' she says' they're all in the Land Rover and one of them is
beeping the horn.'
--------------------
Dad at the Mall
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a
teenagersitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different
colours: green red
orange and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find
him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough he sarcastically asked 'What's the matter
old man never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his
response knowing he would have a good one and in classic style he did not bat an
eye in his response.
'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my
son.'
Read previous mail | Read next mail
| |
