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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 03.02.19 16:25z 383 Lines 10694 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 25729_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 3/1
Path: HB9ON<HB9ON<HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0ERF<OK0NAG<OK0PBR<OK2PEN<
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Sent: 190103/0656Z 25729@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.16
As Grandmother used to say
In the land of hope there is never any winter
--------
Haimie stumbled into his father's business one Christmas Eve, severely bruised and roughed up.
Haimie's father asked him what had happened and Haimie explained that he had been discussing
with some of his friends (also Jewish) how ridiculous Christmas was, when some of the "local lads"
overheard him and sought to sort out his problem.
Haimie's father took Haimie into the workshop area and asked Haimie what he saw. Haimie
answered "Nothing. Just empty shelves." Then his father asked: "And what was there last week?"
This caused a reply of: "The shelves were full of toys and presents for the Christians in the town."
Haimie's father then asked Haimie: "Do you understand now?????" Haimie thought hard and then
began to nod slowly. So Haimie and his father went home, arm in arm singing: " What a friend we
have in Jesus".
-------
The Burglar
-----------
"Get this." said a guy to his friends, "Last night, while I was down at the
Bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.
"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.
The guy said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of
Broken ribs."
One of his friends ask, "Whoa! But...how???"
The guy answered, "Well, it was really late at night and my wife thought it
Was *me* coming home drunk!!"
Steaks
------
A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown
The day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if was really
As large and delicious as he was making it out to be.
The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the
Menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious pieces
Of gigantic steaks.
To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the
Smallest steaks they'd ever seen.
"Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. "Yesterday
When I came down here you served me a BIG, juicy, steak. Today, though,
When I have my friends invited, you serve small miniature steaks! What is
The meaning of this?"
"Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."
Speeding
--------
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down
Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels
In jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky
For you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good
Mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.
"I'm the groom."
Golf Questions
--------------
Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.
Nadine: TELL me about it! I went golfing with my ex one time, and he told
Me I asked too many questions!
Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What
Questions did you ask?
Nadine: I thought I asked legitimate questions.. Like, "Why did you hit the
Ball into that lake?"
Ageing
------
I am older than dirt because all of the following is the same era for me
When I was growing up.
"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favourite fast
Food when you were growing up?"
"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the
Food was slow."
"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"
"It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day
And when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining
Room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to
Sit there until I did like it."
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to
Suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I
Had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I
Would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have
Handled it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf
Course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later
Years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good
Only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there
Is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we
Never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds,
And only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house
Until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course,
Black and white, but they bought a piece of coloured plastic to cover the
Screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was
Green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs
that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day.
Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture
look larger.
I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I
bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung
down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the
best pizza I ever had.
We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our
family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."
I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the
living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to
listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the
line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I
delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I
got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I
had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favourite customers were
the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least
Favourite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection
day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the
movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing
and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French
movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to
share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just
don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
First Aid
---------
Standing on the sidelines during a football game at my son's high school, I
saw one of the players take a hard hit. He tumbled to the ground and didn't
move. We grabbed our first-aid gear and rushed out onto the field.
The coach picked up the young man's hand and urged, "Son, can you hear me?
Squeeze once for yes and twice for no."
Tongue Twisters For the Children - Try these on New Years Day !
---------------
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk,
but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
Betty Botter had some butter,
"But," she said, "this butter's bitter.
If I bake this bitter butter,
it would make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter--
that would make my batter better."
So she bought a bit of butter,
better than her bitter butter,
and she baked it in her batter,
and the batter was not bitter.
So it was better Betty Botter
bought a bit of better butter.
Six thick thistle sticks. Six thick thistles stick.
A big black bug bit a big black bear,
made the big black bear bleed blood.
The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
The shells she sells are surely seashells.
So if she sells shells on the seashore,
I'm sure she sells seashore shells.
Shy Shelly says she shall sew sheets.
Sam's shop stocks short spotted socks.
A flea and a fly flew up in a flue.
Said the flea, "Let us fly!"
Said the fly, "Let us flee!"
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better.
A bitter biting bittern
Bit a better brother bittern,
And the bitter better bittern
Bit the bitter biter back.
And the bitter bittern, bitten,
By the better bitten bittern,
Said "I'm a bitter biter bit, alack!"
Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
Before Soar saw See,
Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw
Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
See's saw would not have sawed
Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore
Just because See's saw sawed
Soar's seesaw!
The boot black bought the black boot back.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could,
and chuck as much wood as a woodchuck would
if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
We surely shall see the sun shine soon.
Which witch wished which wicked wish?
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep.
The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed
shilly-shallied south.
These sheep shouldn't sleep in a shack;
sheep should sleep in a shed.
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
Six sharp smart sharks.
What a shame such a shapely sash
should such shabby stitches show.
Sure the ship's shipshape, sir.
Don't pamper damp scamp tramps that camp under ramp lamps.
-------------
Sexual content -
A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his
Wife:
Y'know sump tin, honey, we have a wonderful new system at de
Fire station.
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de 'ingine and we's ready to go.
From now on, when I says 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.
When I says Bell two', you jump on de bed.
When I says 'Bell tree', we's gonna mek love all tru de night."
The next night he came home and shouted 'Bell One' and she
Stripped naked.
'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed.
'Bell Tree', and they started to make love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell Four".
"What de hell is 'Bell Four', woman?"
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
She replied: "Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere
Near de fire."
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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